For Julia

November 21, 2023

2:37am

Julia, 

Its funny, i was only here for my fix of nostalgia and came across your life update. this is such a shot in the dark but i do hope you read this. i write this not to point any fingers or excuse my wrongs but just to talk. i guess. i dont even know what im going to say but i want to convey that your friendship always did mean something spectacular to me. my actions very obviously failed at that and i in no way want to excuse that, but rather bring light to you, light that you deserve for the friend i remember you as. okay now straight to the point- i am sorry for the actions i have made that hurt you. i am sorry for my past ignorance, for being so oblivious to your friendship and love.

at the time, i honestly did not know how my actions were harming you, but i also never asked. i did neglect you but never on purpose, and hanging out without you was never because i didnt want your presence or because i didnt like you. you said "when u are not directly in front of his face, you dont exist to him." youre right. and i do want to apologize for that, for the countless times that i have done that to you, after youve shown so much attention and care. this doesnt make sense but it was never because i didnt care about you or didnt appreciate or love you, unfortunatly its because i have adhd-pi, and it is a problem i am still trying to work on even after so many different medications. this feels so cop out -ish and i hate acknowledging it, but it honestly is the reason. i got diagnosed early 2023 and did a whole deep dive into how it has affected me and i realized that it isnt the superpower people like to call it and due to it i have messed up a lot. and am still. it wasnt you.

at the time, i was also in and out of a ton of depression stuff. i wasnt focused on anyone else besides my own darkness and i took for granted much of the good i had. good you and many others gave. near grad that random friend group formed and i clinged to it. we got high and drunk, talked a ton of garbage and gave no care about anything in the world and it made me feel good. i was in this hedonistic state, i felt better but at what cost. nothing was real. and that leaked elsewhere. and from then on thats who i was for the time. a real idiot.

you did although always talk about blocking everyone, and as a joke i thought. maybe it was. and toward the end of the year things really sucked between you and i. you and hope got really mean to me at some point and it stuck. probably for the reasons listed, but i feel as if it were for much longer. i still have a terrible memory. i know hope definitly hated me, shes said it many times, and she was ruthless lolll. but youd join her. and that wore down on me. but i never hated you, it felt normal, i was the butt end of the joke for a long time and thats just how it was. but it wore down on me. and at some point i caught the hint. and it was okay. i didnt reach out because it was made clear. but that got better eventually but i cant remember. at your party, i didnt ignore you, i do remember feeling tension but i in no way had any thought or motive to ignore you. im sorry if that is what was interpreted. 

its unfortunate how things ended, and i am guilty about how i made you feel. i still value the friendship we had. i hope this context relieves some of the pain you had to endure. i dont want any of this to come off as an excuse to my empty words and affirmations to you. but i will confidently say that i meant them.

i dont know if youre ever even going to read this, your status update thing says 1 year lol. im much different now though, im very happy with who ive become. the me you know never imagined how he would have turned out. im curious if we would be friends again, i cant imagine how different you must be. culinary is probably a blast, im sure youre baking it up right now. i dont know if wed be friends again but im intrigued to find out if youre willing. its cool that were adults now. its cool to see how our story ended.

i pray for your success Julia,

Gabe.