Day 18 of Sword Dueling Opponents Till I Win The Hand of The Rose Bride

HEY!!! I'm entering this extra extra late! My sleep schedule is ruined. It is what it is

- Physical Activity

I did a good amount of walking around just minding my business, but it’s not enough anymore. This touching grass shit is addictive, THIS GOING OUTSIDE STUFF IS LIFE RUINING! Im kidding obviously, but i found myself yearning for a walk, and i went on one, but i dont even remember the walk anymore. 

- Schoolwork

Today i was on call with my group project member and he showed me around some blender tips! Once it passed the 1 hour mark i started looking out the window and going Gasp. The sun is almost setting. I NEED TO GO ON A WALK. so even though he had more to say, i cut it short, thanked him, and ran outside. Im a pig im a doggggg so excuse me if i drool

- Art honestly i havent made proper art in days ;; ive just been occupied. Barely home. Caught up in other things! But i keep thinking about art so my brain feels okay. But i fear if i cant draw for the next few days ill explode, but we arent there yet! 

I actually wanna draw some of my friends that ive mentioned, i kinda want to keep it as both documentation of what they looked like during these times ive mentioned them, but also to give an idea of what they look like! Also because MY FRIENDS ARE REALLY COOL AND DIVERSE. THEY MAKE ME WANNA DRAW THEM, THEYVE ALL GOT UNIQUE STYLES AND PERSONALITIES. So im thinking about that for now. 

- Organization 

Really organized my room just now, and its good uu we’re back to the organized living station days. Thank god oml 

- Socialization/Attitude Improvement/Event participation

In the morning i helped make breakfast for me, the girls, and my mentor! And then me and my mentor had a conversation about our main fears, because she has a HUGE fear of cats. I have a fear of needles. it was an interesting conversations that lasted too long because i have an interest in humanities primal fears and how it affects our modern lives.

Then we went to have froyo with the girls and we picked up Z too. :] me and Z shared a cup and chose the flavors together, and had fun just sampling stuff. We got too busy sampling and the others were already done with their toppings and everythingdfjkgh 

I paid for everyones froyo because theyre all students and not employed at the moment, they need to use their money and allowance on other things. Need to make sure the friends are eating well and not stressing over money. 

After dropping off Z, it was me, Ece, and my childhood friend in the car screaming songs. My childhood friend, lets call her Emma, is someone ive known since 3rd grade in elementary school. She’s known me for 10 years exactly, she’s seen all my antics and phases and she knows me very well, just as much as i know her. After dropping off Ece, me and Emma went to the store because i need a calculator for an exam i have that’s actually in 4 hours exactly. Hey! We ball. Ill be fine, i hope. 

I got her some snacks as a thank you for the ride, make sure the friends are fed. Thumbs up. Also she drove a lot and i cant drive, IM AFRAID OKAY. I DONT WANT TO! But i have to, it’s basically a MUST in america, nowhere is walkable here and the nearest things are 10 minutes by car. Forget walking. Only the bigger cities are walkable, and only some of those cities have train systems. Usually they dont. IT SUCKS DUDE. 

Anyways, i came home, told my group member i was available and we called while he screenshared some Blender tips. I started dozing off after it had been an hour, attention span at an all time low lately. 

But hey! I almost spent all of the day with others or talking to others. Although i love people, please have mercy, universe, i can only have so much of my day full. THANK GOD I HAVE NO WORK THIS ENTIRE WEEK! Thanksgiving break or something something. I dunno my family doesnt celebrate :D 

- Hydration! 

Hydration levels are low, not bad, but not the desired amount! Im not drinking excessive amount of caffeine either though, so its not drying me out. 

- Healthy eating habits. 

Oh it was bad today. It was not that great! I had breakfast, but then froyo, and then snacks. And then dinner. Hoping to do better this week :,D 

- Learning something new! I learned some basics in blender! Grah grah i am nervous. How am i gonna model a house. Where am i i can barely handle myself how am i gonna make a house. Took on more than i can handle

Been thinking about revolutionary girl utena since yesterday. I think i need to rewatch it, because i never finished it and that was years ago. Feeling the need to fight for something, i feel like ive lost track on goals and dreams again. I used to be a fighter, fighting for my life, for the things i care for. But now It feels like my schedule is already full the month prior before i can decide on anything. 

I have friends who do live like this, like Ece the busiest person i know, and people congratulate me for having something going in my life,that i'm “on track” and that i actually should be using my potential for even more. 

And yeah, better something than nothing i guess. I guess i could do more? Participate in bigger things, ive been turning down opportunities of leadership for multiple organizations the past several months. But im really not interested in any of them. I couldve done them just to be like LOOK! LOOK WHAT IVE DONE! But i hold no passion or care for it or what they want to do. Im a good leader, but it’s only appealing to me at the beginning. Power is fun until i notice damn i dont care about what we’re working towards. But now people rely on me. That’s why i hold leadership positions for a year at most, till things are smooth sailing, then quit.

That’s why ive been turning down leader and committee positions, but im not doing anything else either. I need to work towards something or ill run out of Me, and have lost myself to other commitments before i can commit to myself and my passions.  

i think im overthinking, i need to go back to my basics. keep it simple. 

anyways that's it for today :] thanks for reading! im gonna go study for my exam now. bye byeee 

she's so real

to this day i still find it so beatiful, i need to rewatch fully and then analyze. analyzing this could save me