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i'm writing this from my college's dining hall. the guy playing the music is playing harness your hopes by pavement and i fucking LOVE pavement. it's an unexpected highlight to an otherwise kinda sad day.
today was my first choir concert in university. i know choir is super fucking lame, but i grew up doing it and i love it for some reason so i still do it. i was born with a prodigal ability to understand music and a really really shitty attitude, so a low-level university choir called my name. the concert was so good tonight, but i wasn't really expecting how much it hurt to see everyone have someone in the audience except me. i'm 18 now, so i'm past the age where it's acceptable to cry if you don't see your mom and dad in the audience of your school performances, but i did cry. i went to my special spot outside the PAC and found it filled with families and friends, broken into little groups surrounding different singers and showering them with praise. i watched for a while, before dipping out down the maintenance stairs to be alone with my marlboro reds.
i called my mom, but she was busy with friends. i didn't call my dad because he wouldn't get it. i walked home in the bitter cold, and the only thing i could repeat to myself was that my mom was proud of me and i was doing okay. moving away from home is all fun and games until you do something cool and nobody is there to be proud of you. everything has been so insane lately-- my love life, my self image, my bank account, my academic failure, my emotional state-- and i'm really starting to miss the security of having a room in a house full of your family and keeping a secret from your parents. nowadays, i call and update my parents on my life every 5 seconds, because i still don't know for sure how to react to things, and because i'm terrified that if i don't tell them what's happening with me, they won't know me at all.
i don't know. college is weird. being a "grown up" is weird. i want to be in love. i want things to be easier. i want to not be so fucking poor all the time. i know someday things will be different, but they aren't now and i am sick o f it. on the bright side, i'm starting to understand all my mom's favorite songs much better. i'm beginning to realize a lot of things about my mother. namely that we are freakily similar, that she loves me very very much, and that it's her first time living too. she grew up with a very messy home life and absentee parents, which is part of the reason why she went missing as a parent through much of my adolescence (though she's made a full and triumphant return for the last few years). i wonder who my mom called when she was all alone and didn't know which cup could go in the microwave. i wonder who my mom called after she did something cool. i wonder who was proud of my mother.
she called me crying the other day because she missed me, and she told me that the song 'josie' by blink 182 reminds her of me. we would sing that song in the car all the time, and i'd always say that i wished a boy would write about me that way. she promised me someone would. i've been listening to the songs we used to listen to together a lot and thinking of her. i hope she knows she did a great job.
rhi and mom's car playlist:
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