It’s never just Kid shit

I think people mess up in life when they go against what they truly believe or understand due to the fact that they trust someone else more than they trust themselves. Most people have a tendency to talk and make what they say sound convincing and those that believe what the other person is saying jump on the band wagon to believe the lies a person told. I spent my entire life doubting myself and falling for the next persons façade to a point where I became confused with my own truth. I would label myself as the liar, the cheater, the thief because the next person said they were not. I did not know myself enough to know that the principles I stood on were a different truth than the average person was use to. In high school I tried to kill myself because a young lady that did not like me went out of her way to try and destroy my spirit. I do not have an actual reason why she did not like me but there are a couple situations I can talk about that may give an idea. One situation was over a pair of headphones, another situation was because she told me her “best friend’s” secret, and the last one being I use to fall asleep on the phone, every night with the guy she expressed she had interest in. We ran on the same track team and she told a group of girls on the team, including myself that she had interest in a guy that I was already good friends with. At the time this guy had a girlfriend and had no intention of leaving his current girlfriend at the time for anyone. He and I at the time were just really good friends, I did not have much support at the time due to the drama and bullying that happened to be attached to me like a scarlet letter. He was there for me. He gave me advice, we laughed, he shared thoughts, as well as exchanged useful information. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend that he was someone I spoke with on the regular basis and she told the girl. This girl then went to the extent to threaten me on social media, tell things that I had confided in her about to any and everyone that would listen, and even went as far as trying to fight me and lost. She told everyone she won but found it in her heart to make time to bother me and talk about me every chance she got afterwards. It was not my first time being in a situation where someone betrayed me but it was the first time it happened by someone I thought highly of and respected. The last situation she accused me of stealing her headphones. Truth be told I gave them away which was wrong but she tried to start World War 3 over it when she in fact was a thief herself. There was one time I had a shirt of mine that went missing, she had it on. The only reason I knew it was mine was because I was an extra small and she was a large, so the seam that was supposed to be on the side of the shirt was on her back due to her squeezing her torso into it. She also stole an iPod of mine, called me and asked me to verify it was mine by giving her the password. I was naïve and gave it to her and she told me the password didn’t work only to admit to stealing it on social media a few weeks later. She was consistent in her endeavors to try and hurt me but all she did was prove to me that she was indeed not one worth my time. 

There was a time she showed me text messages between her and her bestfriend at the time. The messages gave explicit detail about the fact that her friend was sexually active with a close friend of mine. I went to talk to the friend about it and the girl lied and told people I secretly went through her phone and read the messages on my own. Everyone believed her and called me messy. Every time there was mess with my name in it, her name was attached. She hated me so much to a point that she used her social status to attack me, and beat me down lower than I already felt as a person due to what I was dealing with in the privacy of my own home. I watched people choose sides, and believe her lies. I could not handle it. How could someone I thought so highly of be this liar, this manipulative, diabolical person and feel as though she was justified by her actions due to the fact that I unintentionally some how hurt her fucking feelings? Back then I was young and incapable of processing the overwhelming feeling of living a life where people try and create a narrative of you due to the fact that they can not accept their own truths. I began cutting myself and eventually tried to take my life. I was absent from school and when I returned no one even noticed I was gone. I learned about humanity. I was depressed at the fact that at a young age the world was cold and things don’t always turn out fair. People pick who they want to like and who they want to make the bad guy and that has nothing to do with you personally. Those that are weak minded yield to the minds of those who seem superior. You have to be able to own you and love you to the extent that no one can shift your judgement of yourself. As long as you know that then nothing can stop you from being great but you. 

Although these things happened so long ago they affected me long term. That situation started a long battle of me viewing myself as some one who was inadequate and unworthy of love. I let the fact of people not liking me push me down a road to self destruct. I figured if everyone believed this girl and everyone had this girls back that maybe I was the one who did wrong. It was not until I went to therapy and started healing that I realized this young ladies action was not a reflection of who I was but a clear picture of who she was. She was someone who fabricated stories and painted pictures with the intent to harm someone who she felt wronged her. That showed a lack of emotional discipline as well as someone who in real life should never be trusted. Transferring to a new school was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I ended up finding myself surrounded by people who respected me and loved me for being me. I never talked to or saw my bully again but over time her name would come up and some people tell me she still speaks ill of me, which isn’t a surprise while others have apologized to me for not believing my side of the story growing up. From what I hear she still goes out of her way to try and bend stories to fit her reality. She’s also a lawyer which is ironic because who better to hire. While I commend her for staying true to who she was, I now also see that everything she did to me was just who she was. She was able to convince a body of people a truth based of twisting truths to work in her favor. I no longer see her as my enemy but as someone that I would have never been friends with if only I would have embraced who I was and what I stood for in the first place. Now that I live in my truth I no longer have drama and I live a life free of people like her. If I could tell my 15 year old self anything it would be to avoid people like her as a whole. it would have saved me the scars on my arm due to self harm and years of self destruction. She wasn’t the only bad experience from my childhood but definitely one of the impactful lessons to be cautious of who you tell your business to and the company that you keep because they don’t all mean you well. 

Until next time…… Esse Quam Videri