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P33P, your favorite [ ハローキティー ] gal!
Hello internet! It's Peep again in the ungodly hours where I should be sleeping, but you know, I think I have other plans! It's been a doozy today. I am not feeling as hunky dory as I should be. Oh man, are the nights the cruelest to me.
I've been planning on moving out of my abusive home that includes my blood family and their horrible morals as well. Planned it without my mama knowing a thing, only my sister knowing cause I don't need something conflicting to arise ad I'm suddenly not in the clear! Even though today is the last day I will EVER see for a long time; still walking on eggshells to not let my plan slip out or at least keep my sister from using that as blackmail.
ლ(¯ロ¯"ლ)
Last nite, I built my first gingerbread house with a trusted friend. Vibes were immaculate! I did my own thing while my friend and her partner were keeping their gingerbread tree house from toppling over. They're neurodivergent as I think I might be. I try not to self diagnose because I obvi don't have the qualifications to make that educated guess about my mind. (・・;)ゞ
Apparently, i show many signs of having autism in a way that how i go about life, I think is how I want to word that..
I read that living, constant mistreatment and abuse by a narcissist COULD pipeline into developing BPD. Which great! Better than schizophrenia.
[Shoutout to my schizophrenia peeps out there,no hate to y'all, i personally just can't take anymore. Hope y'all are good, healthy and you WILL find relief] '(￣ω￣(。。 )ゝ
Back on track, so not only am I suppose to take these bombshells with a grain of salt then keep going as my own individual. I can't never sleep!! I haven't brushed my teeth in a long while! I'm a short term memory affected person due to trauma so I have a harder time keeping to a routine.
(⇀‸↼‶)
LET ALONE, I AM MAYBE 25% PACKED FOR A MOVE THAT HAPPENS TODAY, UNDER RADAR..
| (＃￣ω￣) |
I am so not okay. I haven't cried in such a long time that I can't relieve the pressure inside because I can't just force myself. But it'll come out if I'm having a good time laughing and use everything in my power to not let tears stream when it's suppose to be a joyous moment. (｡╯︵╰｡)
My emotions have been so out of whack lately that I'm not doing my self regulating!! What I believe that sends me over the edge even more is that I don't have any friends to vent and find some sort of consoling in without draining their own mental space.
The friend I mentioned earlier has been my only sort of caring figure, IN A LOOOOONG while, might I add. I do have my sister but it's always a backhanded advice. It's never someone else that out of place, more of I should be more mindful. And i get like girl, urm, you're 29-30yrs old and you still live with mom? I just turned 20 on Halloween, but my sister lets bitterness take root in her soul and that's what lets her run.
(╯_╰)
I want to make clear I am NOT shaming anyone who may live with their parents and you're on the more mature side. That's cool!! If y'all got healthy relationships with your parents like dat, you don't need my approval!
Anyways, my family basically resents each other. Either some of us didn't get abused enough for the other's limit or they're more focused on why did they receive more than the younger kin. WHICH! Isn't the children's fault, it's the provider of this abuse!
| ヽ(´ー` )┌ |
My sister likes to defend my mom because of the whole "single mom, couldn't keep shitty boyfriends and was a waitress for like 10-11 years" sacrifice act. But how long should i let someone's struggles be their excuses for their terrible behavior? In my head, i see it like if i was addicted to fentanyl but I had my own kid that I would try and trade for drugs, that's TOTALLY my fault as a parent! Why don't I get clean for my kid? Why don't I try for a better future for both of us? (•ิ_•ิ)?
I see it as there's always choices in life. As much as we feel we don't have those options, you always will have them open but it lands on you to either act on it or let the world pass you by. Instead of my mom always fighting with the father(s) of her kids, going to bars and letting men into our home, you couldn't squeeze in time for your kids? Let them crawl into bed with you, try to make good and educational chatter while getting them ready for school? Every physical attack couldn't have been a stern talking for the child to try and grasp and identify what their mistake and learn from it instead of having resent build for years? (¯ ¯٥)
My mom had her own social life, so I'm not just talking out my ass to say she couldn't go out and have me time. I'm just saying, me and my sibling have experienced being locked inside a car outside of the bar, then just grazing the line of life or death just to go back to sleep and act like that's a normal thing! Another valley thing.. [I'm unfort from the valley.]
| ( "when i'm with youuuuuu, i don't wanna be, with youuuuu") - |
╮(￣ω￣;)╭ |
To reflect, I bite my cuticles and nails down until blood take it over. Rip the skin off da luscious lips of mine, and I've learned to keep knee bouncing to a very low minimum. I've def developed bad coping mechanisms in result of childhood and into the adolescent.
Lord, I am just happy than the living conditions end tonight. I'm leaving behind a letter to explain in my own words, and after that I think i will put my phone on mute for a couple of week so i won't get a strong of calls and 'fuck you' texts. It can't be avoided. People will always try to defend themselves when the truth gets thrown in their face and they're forced to at least acknowledge it.. ┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴
Is it weird the only thing I'm semi worried about is how i will do my makeup when i see my father? I'm so bad at packing, but you know...this is good for me. 20yrs old and I will get my GED. I will get my license. I will help people, mentally, physically or just provide a service for the people who really deserve a place in my life.
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....φ(・∀・*) |
I def feel a little better and not in total downward spiral, I've slowed to at least a haul and it's the lazy river spiral. I keep seeing things out the corner of my eyes and I'm scared that I'm getting bit by something in my sleep. Like a bug or something, i've been experiencing nasty bumps when I awake. Did I mention my home is hella infested with roaches? I go half and half in my room for space lol! Just another example of the lack of care and motive to try and save anything in this house. (ᓀ ᓀ)
I hope to make a new entry when i get settled and meet my new family. I'm gonna be a big sister, the emo older sister bwhaha!!
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┐(︶▽︶)┌ |
Thanks for the space to gather how I feel when no one is there. [Or awake]
As much pain i've endured, I still want to learn to love and be kind in life, and this is my first step to getting there.!!
Hope you lovely peeps on da interwebs have a chuckle at my entry and maybe find something to relate to, maybe even find a strange comfort that it's not just you that can heal.
Like I say, let me know! Leave a comment if you'd like, tell me something interesting or just start a convo!
From your fav shawty,
P33P!
| ~ヾ(・ω・) |
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