younger self

saw a quote that made me sad, "Maybe you weren't a terrible person, maybe you were just 15."

it made me think about my younger self. maybe she was just 9. i think i used to hate her or maybe i was just scared of her. although i dont know if thats fair cause she was scared too. anyways if i did hate her, i dont anymore. 

maybe she was scared, maybe she was never taught better, maybe she had a friend who made her confused, maybe she never got to be herself, maybe she grew up too fast, maybe she never grew up at all, or maybe she was just 9

i dont think shes a bad person. i think she just did bad things. maybe im making this up and she wasnt bad at all or not as bad as i remember.

im starting to understand her more. she was violent because it made people laugh. she was mean because no one thought to teach her otherwise. she was annoying for attention. she didnt know anything else. maybe her teenage friend needed to learn to keep to herself and get a therapist who isnt years younger than them.

i used to hate that friend. she made her feel like she couldnt have her own interests. she shared way to much with a child. 

i think some of my habits came from that friend. being protective of interests, constant anxiety about my friends mental states, not knowing if someones being serious about it, talking to people on the internet, being terrified to be vunerable.  theres probaly more im not remembering.

i think my friend was a little bit of a bad person. but i know she was just hurting. i feel horrible that i as so violent towards her. i wish i knew better, i wish she told me better. she told me things i didnt know how to respond to. i wish she didnt hurt herself and i wish she never told me that you could hurt yourself. 

i feel bad about the way things ended. one day i just stopped responding. i know she was upset and i dont think she understood why. but the thought of talking to her made me terrified. especially since i was so depressed at the time. i just couldnt respond.

she has friends and a new life now, she said she in therapy and shes getting better. i really hope she is getting better. i hope she understands why i did the things i did. i hope she knows that she wasnt good to me.

i wonder when its my turn to get better

i know this is depressing but i wanted to write my feelings down so i can look back at them in the future.

11/16/2023