who am i - essay

recently i've been thinking about maturing and about how you actually have to be independent now, how you have to leave the family household and live on your own, earn the money on your own and pay taxes in your household.

i've turned 18, i feel like maturing has been a bus crash for me — it came so suddenly, and it slapped me in the face.

as i'm writing this, my stomach begins to turn because that's how i feel about maturing, it feels suffocating, you suddenly acknowledge the reality you live in and you have to accept it in one way or another.

i'm living in a normal household, with a normal family, but also in a world where capitalism holds its tyrany, thus the 2nd world country that pays its debt from the ww2.

i am just trying to explain how i understand the reality we live in, but also trying to understand it at the same time, because i don't understand it completely yet.

i don't know why does it has to be like this? why do we humans only depend on our interest, than our emapthy towards others? why do we all have to fake everything about us so we could be accepted in the society? why is society like this?

so, as the families households have been more and more independent - in a capitalistic household only parents and kids live, and they live together so the parents could raise their kids, for them to leave and maybe continue the family tree in the same way their parents did.

what does this tell us? kids become adults and are maturing (like me right now), and as soon as they are mature enough to have their own opinions and their own life-style, they will get independent and leave the family's "nest". 

after they leave, they have to be their parents, before they had kids - that means they have to find job, make money and create a household, and maybe find a partner to create a family.

why did i wrote "maybe"? because there are obviously 2 types of people: people who will rather live alone and family people, so it only depends on us whether we will continue our family three or not.

so should i say that i have no choice but to either live alone forever or to live with someone and have kids with them forever, it's at the same time too early and the right time to think about it.

but that's not the point, the point is - independency.

to some people, it's hard to leave their family without having to feel lonely and homesick, while there are other people who can't wait to leave their household as soon as possible, because they will never miss their family.

in my case, i'm in both situations, it's a little bit mixed though.

i don't want to live alone because i'm scared of the feeling of loneliness, and at the same time, i want to be alone so i could focus more on my studies and so i could live whatever life i want.

well, of course, it's not too easy to just "choose" what life you want to live.

because, after you leave your family, you're still a young person, you're still confused, still have to figure out what is that you truly want, unless you have a dream-job you want to aim for.

but even if you have that dream-job, it's hard to get it, it's hard to get that life you "chosed" because nothing changes overnight, and you either have to study for that job, or work hard for it.

i have a dream job, but i always think i'm not ready for it or that i'm not for that job - i'm just overthinking about it, and honestly i always want to have a plan b for my job, but never succeed to choose what will it be or will it be even possible to switch universities so suddenly - i'm just so scared of failure and honestly i think everyone is.

there's obviously every possibility you have to think of, but you can't think of it too much, because life is unexpected and not safe, you are never sure what or who will meet you in life, it's honestly just a wheel of luck.

Because of my independence, I'm starting to think for myself more and more, to think independently and have my own attitude.

I believe that it is very important to have your own opinion and to be an individual person because it is in the interest of some to impose their opinion on others who do not have it, and they accept every item they hear around them, and that is harmful to themselves.

If a person chooses not to have their own opinion and always relies on other people's opinions, that person will not live the life they wants to have.

That's why I, as a person with my own attitude, want to live the life I prefer.

Being an individual person means being a person who is sure of themselfs, who knows their goal and knows how to reach that goal.

Also, being an individual person means being a person who follows their values ​​and sticks to them.