Hearing Test

Had the test today - found out that it is not the last step to getting diagnosed. It is the first of several tests. I have to wait for the ENT to get back to me with the results to schedule another test. Good news is that my hearing is not as bad as I thought it was. Completely in the normal range in my left ear and only mild damage at the 2k hz range in my right ear - most likely because that frequency matches my tinnitus. 

Other than that - today was actually okay. I still feel like I'm slowly losing my mind though. I have been through what feels like hell these past six months - and these past six years have been enough to start to gray my hair. Not enough to look cool yet though, I'm afraid. I was finally in a place in March where I was the healthiest I had been in a long time, I had plans for the future, a job a enjoyed and was starting to be social again. 

All that got thrown in the bin, starting with my health, then my future plans followed since I've taken so, SO many financial blows because of my health and other circumstances. And those two combined sucked out my social energy - so I put all my focus on a small handful of people that have basically hurt me before (my fault) and then all the same things ended up happening again (my fault again though). I finally went back to work and my car gets stolen. Then returned to me needing severe repairs. I find out my partner of almost ten years, whom I have just moved out with in April after living together with Her for 3/4 years has basically been unfaithful and that our relationship is made of straws and duct tape. Then She flips her car with her dog because she was driving drunk. I get the vet bill and the honor of driving her around - for now. I find keep getting little glimmers of feeling better in between these incidents that are just completely out of my control. But now - finally, I have some hope for the inciting incident. The thing I have to lug around with me at all times. The one thing in my life I feel I should have control over at least - my body. The medication is helping. Unfortunately it's also an antidepressant, and starting out taking those, as many with depression have been told, gives you just enough energy, but not enough "happy" to make good on some of those darker plans. 

But I'm working on making.... other plans. I want out of my circumstances. Cursing my luck, wondering if I was a bad person in a previously life, trying to figure out where I went wrong to earn this much ire from the world - it's pointless. It hasn't stopped from thinking about it, but I know it's not getting me anywhere. I'm just spinning my wheels trying to make amends for whatever sins I've committed without knowing what they are. 

I usually say my biggest sin is Pride. But I think it's Sloth. I so often become involved in the problems of others that I ignore my own - and that has led to worse and worse one-sided relationships over time. I can't appreciate the one or two people that have graced my life with genuine care because I am scared that I'll end up becoming (or seeming) like one of the emotional leeches in my life. I hate to use such strong wording, especially since I bear the responsibility of setting the expectation of not needing anything else but to be able to listen and be a support. I get that. It sickens me to see how much of a blank slate I've become - and for what? Just to end up alone. 

So. Basically. I have to get a personality again, like before ******* died and everything went wrong. Before I let certain people break me down and tell me I don't deserve to be happy, and that I should be grateful for anything I get - even the bad things. I don't want to continue to apologize for existing, and be ashamed of where I am in my life. I'm not certain on where to start, but I know that, for now, I'm alone in my pursuit. 

And that's okay.