things that matter

it's a very inconvenient lifestyle if your goal is to create something that matters. then again, what counts as mattering is different for everyone.

what i think matters, personally, is being able to connect to people.

...

that's definitely not an uncommon thought.

but, considering how difficult it is for me to do that in the first place vs the extent of how much i desire it, maybe that's what makes it special for me. i'm awkward, socially anxious, quiet, and i don't fit in most crowds (unless i really force it, but i'm way past the struggle of trying to be someone i'm not. probably.) i do enjoy my time alone, but that doesn't mean i don't get lonely.

despite having listed those super loser things about myself, i still believe i /should/ be able to connect with more people than i do currently. i don't even think i'm delusional for thinking that way--i just believe that everyone has to share at least one thing in common that brings them together... other than being human. i guess i just haven't found a way to appeal to that comfortably, yet.

actually, maybe that's why i love music so much. it's personal, yet removed enough for me to put out into the world. by creating it, it lets me share parts of myself with others... and, depending on how they react, they end up sharing a little bit of themselves with me, too. after all, you have to be a certain type of person to like specific music (unless you're stupid. anyone else remember that video of white supremacists blasting ratm on the street?)

i guess i'm just repeating the same thing everyone already knows; that music connects people. WOW! what a realization. lol.

anyway, i think i am very stupid for trying to pursue music as a career. well, financially stupid, anyway. because the fact that music is what makes me feel fulfilled in every aspect--that i'm connecting with people, that i'm doing something that matters--makes it worth it.

(i think.)