Baby Dream Update

I have made this baby thing my hyper fixation, I fear...

Last night I watched baby TikToks before bed. I even looked up vintage baby boy clothes on Facebook marketplace for whatever reason. As I was falling asleep last night, I kept thinking about baby Jack, hoping he would show up in my dreams again. He didn't. 

This morning I looked at more TikToks. 

At Target I looked at baby clothes for baby Jack. This isn't new to me. I like looking at the baby clothes, picturing future children in them. But this time I had a specific child in mind, he now had a name and gender. I saw a "Baby's first Christmas" ornament, with a spot to put a photo. A photo of baby Jack. This I pointed at as more of a joke. All of the things I pointed out to my boyfriend as a joke...but isn't there some truth in jokes?

I took a pregnancy test just in case the dream was a premonition. I've heard people dreaming up their babies before realizing they're pregnant. Better to be safe and know for sure. It showed up negative.

I know I should be relieved, and in a way I am. Truly I am. I can't afford a child. I'm in school still. I'm not married. I'm only 23 and still have plenty of life to live. If the test came up positive I'd be having anxiety. I'd be weighing out my options. I'd be freaking out. It's a lose-lose situation either way it seems. 

However, I was also deeply saddened. Tears welled up in my eyes. I can't understand why. Not having a baby right now is 100% the right move. It's the safest and smartest move. Why was I filled with sorrow? 

I feel crazy and overly emotional.

Maybe tonight I can see baby Jack in my dreams again. Just one more time, then I'll let go of this unhealthy obsession with my nonexistent baby.

Again...I feel crazy...

Please, anyone please let me know if they've been through something similar. I don't understand what's wrong with me.