it’s me again

wowzers. two whole months.

honestly i think the big gaps in between my blogs are mostly because i forget this website exists, ha.

but anyway, a little life update. recently, maybe a couple weeks ago now, i had a little freak out session over my ex again and i realized the root of all of my problems, all of my anxiety, my depression, the way i interact with the world around me.

it’s always been because i’ve never truly felt like i was good enough to just exist. it’s been a thing in my life since i was literally too young to even read, and it’s because of my mother.

i won’t get into all the gory details, because that would be considered trauma dumping, but it’s affected me practically my entire life.

i’ve always had trouble going out in public spaces because i’m always afraid of the opinions of literal strangers that i don’t know and won’t remember five minutes after passing them by. i’ve had trouble making friends as well because of this, because i’ve always been so scared i’ll come off as weird to them and they’ll abandon me because of it.

i had this realization because i just kept circling back to the question “why am i never enough?” and i remembered these other two life altering experiences i had where i thought that same thing, and it hit me like a train. i’m always feeling like everything is my fault because i’ve always felt like i wasn’t ever good enough for someone.

life lesson to be learned here, not everything is your fault, and you are good enough to just exist. you don’t need to prove your worth to some nonexistent jury that gets to decide what you’re allowed to do and what you can’t do. i just needed someone to tell me i’m good enough.

so, if you need it: you are good enough. i’m talking to you, the person reading this, and i’m telling you that you’re good enough. it’s gonna be alright, think of all the shit you’ve been through already, and look at you, you’re still here, dude. you are strong, you’ll make it, you’re good enough to just exist. you’re good enough to be loved, you’re good enough to have friends, you’re good enough to enjoy the fruits of life. try not to be so scared.

anyway, that’s all. i’ll update when something actually interesting happens. i did pick up skateboarding recently, but i’m shit, so whatever. bye. love you, stranger