diary 13

11.17.23

tw ed

obligatory life update.

so, college is... going. officially declared classics major last week and in the process of declaring Japanese. 

i guess i'm doing okay. thats a lie. i feel pretty bad. it was much worse September, but i've been oscillating this whole time. i get episodes where i'm lying in bed for hours blasting my ears out and cutting myself, but then i'll have days where i feel the happiest i have in a long time. idk. or maybe those days just feel happier in contrast to the depressive ones. 

i've made some friends which is nice, and i generally like my classes. yeah. i've made friends with devin and its been a little life changing ngl. we've become kissing buddies recently, idk if we're really dating. i can't sort my feelings. i felt like i was on the verge of something, but then i fell into another episode which i'm in rn, and my thoughts arent anything about devin. they're all about me. and they're all about food. 

i feel so incredibly selfish. he'll ask me how i'm doing, and since i feel so comfortable with him, i genuinely unload everything. i talk about everythinnggggggg. like today we were talking, and he was like "oh i like your shirt" i was like "thanks" and then, and i hate this because if i was with anyone else i would have just kept it to myself, but instead i said "it makes me look fat though" like. okay, ms attention seeking. idk. i just hate how easily i talk about that, my eating, my struggle losing weight, how fat and ugly i am, with him, when, that stuff is so negative. and i hate hate that i bring that negativity to him. i dont want him to be burdened with that. but he relates on a lot of that. and he's opened up to me a bunch about his own weight struggles. but also his successes. and it idk it makes me mad. mad at myself for being so fucking pathetic and for being so unsuccessful. i havent weighed myself in a bit, but i'm what, 183? and i started at 215? so in over 12 months i've only lost fucking 32lbs? out of 75? wah. i wanna cry. i still have so much. and i've made like zero progress. even with all the IF and fasting and shit its not enough. i need to go back to CICO but i just cant, it was so emotionally and mentally draining and it sucked. i tried to do a 5k kcal for a week challenge, and the actual eating under 5k in a week wasnt bad, but just logging every single calorie suckkkkeddddddd. i just dont have the endurance for that.

but i hate how i'm eating rn. sure, i'm IF ab 19:5 but like, i still think i'm eating too much. i need to eat like, a bowl of spinache for every meal and then i'll know i'm losing, bc rn i just feel fat and bloated and ugly and stupid. and also i went and logged all my purchases since i've gotten to college and its over $900---yes some of that was for school but the majority was shopping in the city and food and other useless bullshit, god i'm so stupid and fat and spoiled. i just want to shrivel up and die. i wish i was dead. i need to do more fasting this month, even more than last month. i should be doing 48hr fasts regularly, not just one every other week or so. idk. i just need to lose more faster. and i'm gonna start going to the gym so i want to do that like everyday. idk. everything just feels extremely unattainable rn and i just feel like all my efforts are useless. i feel really dumb and stupid. idk.