I'm back for real this time (and life updates) TW for overdose/sui mention

Updated my profile to be 18+ since I'm 20 now. 

Hello! It's Caspian. I still use Abraxas as a moniker but my real name is Caspian/Cas now, so I feel no need to use a pseudonym to hide what was my "real" name from stalkers. Plus, I just... stopped caring. I have bigger issues now.

I've made some mistakes in my relationships (including breaking up with my long-term boyfriend of 6 years over something that could have been solved) that I won't go into and have found myself in an incredibly dark period of my life. I went to the psych ward earlier this year and ended up coming out as trans to my family. 2023 has probably been the second worst year of my life, tied with 2016. But... I'm surviving! 

It's just... It's kind of like you're in a bottomless pit, and you don't know what or where you are because it's so dark, you could've become anything and not know, yeah? And you're losing your memories due to the trauma and chunks of you - or most of you - is now gone. I ended up experiencing ego death under the influence of a benadryl overdose/"attempt" and never recovered. Which is why I feel I've sort of died and now I'm taking this dude's body, and I have his memories and relationships, and I feel all the guilt and shame he did but I'm disconnected. Dissociative traits from CPTSD suck. I don't have a dissociative disorder so I don't have the full scope, but it's pretty bad at the moment.

But, again, I'm surviving. 

And I guess that's enough for now? Because I very much almost didn't.

Thank you...!