two years.

alluding to an ed if u wanna avoid.

boy was i way less cool than i thought i was.

im in my first year in uni now, and i feel pretty cool. living the teenage dream during the last leg of my teenhood. i think i have the right to be a bit childish about it.

like hello? my own room, a cooler laptop, a major i like, my return to the city, my freedom...

now all thats left is having money. god do i need a job.

i wouldve gone shopping, customizing my persona, i would've been so hot and sexy just in time for uni if i had the cash :(. now im just medium hot and sexy (note. the boasting is inaccurate to the perception of myself. being super superficial = satire! self love is important regardless).

in the least (most) looserish way possible, i feel like the only way i can truly be myslf is online. i can curate my music, my "outfit", my mask, my everything. it feels so fake but so real. the last time i tried customizing myself (warning: dangerous) my family got super concerned. so now my clothes dont fit and im happier and less cold when october hits, but with this sense of melancholy i cant help but feel when i look at my old self.

hm.

in my head im cool. i have clothes that are loose, ill be feminine and masculine, look older than what i currently look like. i wont have to wear the largest pants in my drawers all week to feel comfortable. i could go shopping for the things i want without permission. i could buy a binder for my C cups that get in the way every 2 business days. ill be part of a rock band as a bassist. id be living alone in toronto (downtown? north york?). going to my girlfriends house in montreal every few weekends. id be tatted and decorated with the sickest fucking piercings. id have actual jewelry and makeup thats mine, not my mothers and sisters expired leftovers. i wouldn't have to ask my dad for shirts and pants to make me feel less shit. and knowing how my mindsets dont change, they just morph, id understand at 20, at 30, at whatever age that regrets lie in untouched opportunities. 

i think i lied. when i said i felt cool. if cool is just a paragraph, and not the present.

but i have to be like what. 60% there?

60.