poems. swag.

i hope i haunt you

I hope you look at the scar

you got when we went skating and think about

how badly you messed up with me.

I hope you still feel my fingers

touch your skin when i put band aids

on your arm.

I hope you think of me and regret

how much you hurt me.

I want you to feel sad when

you laugh with strangers and

I suddenly cross your mind.

I don't want you to want me

but i hope i haunt you.

———

a born actress

 Her hands are cold like snow.

Her eyebags, as dark as the clouds

before a thunderstorm.

She's an actress, everyone watches the show.

Her fingers red,

her hair, falling in clumps off her head.

A woozy mind,

her true self, hard to find.

To get peace,

she slams the door

and sinks down

on the bathroom floor.

———

i hate you. i really do.

i want to hurt you like you hurt me.

like I hurt myself.

every time I think i'm getting better you make a comment. such hurtful comments.

you made me relapse so many times. too many times.

i just get the urge. I want to hurt you like you hurt others.

and I get so angry because I still write about you. I don't want to write about you anymore. but I can't stop.

i want to hurt you like you hurt me.

like I hurt myself.

but when it comes, it's too comforting.

———

working out

"What's the matter?" and

"Just work out, then you'll feel better", 

They say.

My world is drawn in black, white and different kinds of grey.

But how could I feel better if all I did was working out?

And how could I feel better if all I did was doing workouts on thee floor?

Working out 'til my spine is all

blue

and

green

So the only colors I have in my life are coming from my spine.

But I just can't.

I can't hate my body.

As hard as try.

Because all I have to do is work out.

And that's it.

———

no exceptions 

You make it really hard

She says 

While pulling me in a forced hug.

Make what hard?

To love me?

The lumb in my throat gets bigger

And bigger

And I'm scared I will choke.

You're just another person.

That's just me.

Pushing people away.

My throat hurts now.

I feel like throwing up.

That's just me.

But I can't say sorry.

I always pretend

I don't care 

But the truth is

It's the worst feeling to disappoint people.

And I will cry about it on the bathroom floor.