Nostalgia

I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, but I can't help it. 

While my childhood was traumatic, I struggled with undiagnosed autism, anxiety, depression, ADHD, and just home life. I still miss a lot of aspects for my teenage years. 

Especially when I was 13-17. I miss coming home from school and binging my favorite YouTubers. YouTubers that had not been in scandals yet, but just people who made me laugh. (I'm looking at you Cryaotic...) I try to do this now, but it's not the same. I don't know if it's just because I got more mature, or their humorist change, or I just don't have a strong interest in that content anymore. Perhaps adulting has just been sucking me dry. I try to come home from work and throw on Game Grumps, but I can't get as into it anymore. In the past, I'd watch Dan and Phil, and they seen to be uploading again, but for whatever reason I just can't bring myself to watch the videos. I want to, but I have no interest at the same time? I used to throw on a PewDiePie horror series, and binge that until it got dark outside. He doesn't make the same content anymore, though. If he's happy, that's great. I just can't get into his new video sytle. I miss when his wife (then gf at the time) uploaded videos. 

I miss binging Doctor Who or waiting for the new Steven Universe episode. Can I watch these shows still? Yes. But again, it just doesn't feel the same. 

I still get really into things, but I feel it's not to the extent as I did when I was younger. I miss pouring all my heart and soul into a video game, an actor, a show, a YouTuber, and just making it my whole personality for a couple months. 

I miss watching cartoons on a Saturday morning. I miss how magical Christmas felt. I miss the fun Halloween specials. I miss when kids roamed neighborhoods to get candy, not parking lots.

There's a long list of things that I wish didn't change with life in general. However, I know change is inevitable and it's important to adap to it.

I'm growing up to be a better person. I've learned so much, I' making improvements to my life, I'm learning how to cope with my mental health better. But, do I have to completely lose how I once was? 

I desperately wish I could feel and experience these things again in the same way I did years ago.