college? 10/31/23

I genuinely don't have the motivation to apply to any colleges rn like a normal person would. idk why I'm like this because I used to be dead set on college and I really wanted to go. I honestly have no idea what changed, I noticed im really depressed lately and I just wanna stay in my room 24/7. I'm doing homeschool at the moment for my senior year and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. but at the same time I know I would be completely miserable at school. last year for example, I missed so many days or made my mom pick me up early because I just hated being there. I'm pretty sure this is just all from the trauma I have with from mom having all these bad manic episodes. and when I say it was bad, I mean it was really bad. there were police and ambulances at my house basically everyday because my mom was screaming on top of her lungs outside constantly. it wasn't only this year where I had to go through this, it was my whole childhood where I had to see her like that. anyways, I just had to get that off my chest because I think this is the whole reason I'm just not interested in anything at all anymore.