missing poster

noswaith dda,

today i skipped college to sit in the forest with my friends. everything was green and my view was twisting like a little kid squinting into a kaleidoscope, watching this colour, y lliwiau hyn, never fully understanding what he was seeing but knowing it was something never seen before (kaya says, like god as he watches adam)

when i was little and afraid of monsters, my mother told me 'the scariest thing in the garden is you.' she was kidding, obviously, but all this Old Fear dissolved into the New Fear of seeing the ghost of my twin -- i always believed i'd lost someone important in the womb, and ever since birth i'd been the mutant of two souls tugging at opposite directions. in my imagination he was, and still is, lounging tangle-limbed on the top branch of a tree, watching watching watching. he has my eyes and my mouth and my acute sense of something being very wrong. 

he is in every tree, always staring down. i am on every walk of earth, always staring up. how is it possible to grieve for someone who was never even real? god, i sound fucking crazy

this is not the point i was writing to make. i think maybe this is just what "growing up" feels like. next time you visit a forest, bring a kaleidoscope & check if you can see him too.