If you start from point A to reach point B and keep taking all the tangents that life is giving you, you're not doing well, but you're not doing badly either. Maybe.

October 30, 2023 - 11:50; it's Monday.

I really love the tiny ghostie in the SpaceHey logo; it's so cute.

SO TODAY I'M DOING IT. I'M DOING MY LAYOUT. <--- lmao at 17:31

(Actually, I don't know if I will make it. That's why I'm writing this post. I want to understand the process that leads me to fail at everything I try to do).

Here are some Britta Perry moments to keep you entertained. Also, it's raining a lot here, and I love it.

I understand her.

Okay, I'm like 5 minutes into a layout tutorial, and I already feel overwhelmed. Also, I'm hungry. I know I will half-ass this. I'm also not really going to do what I want, but who cares, right? I need water.

Why is my mom so bad at understanding jokes and why does she need to explain them? I mean, I still suck at telling them.

I hate it when people don't match my energy, especially when I want to be alone. Don't make puppy-dog eyes at me; I just don't want to focus on other things at the moment, please.

I'd be a terrible mother, lol.

One thing I struggle with is time, in a lot of ways, really. I'm always late everywhere I go, and I'm always the tardy (and weird, not bragging here) friend. For me, time is a real concept. This doesn't mean that it doesn't make me uncomfortable having people wait for me, of course. It's embarrassing. I know I'm no royalty, but it's almost inevitable. I'm also bad at waiting for people and following instructions. Street directions, I can tolerate, but god, if I struggle with sticking to the script. This is especially bad because it's important to give people space and allow them to express themselves. It's tough. And everyone has the right to receive a pat on the head.

My narcissistic grandpa used to give me a lot of pats. He was horrible towards anyone, but he was nice to me. I couldn't stand him, though. So the scene was always the following:

NarcGrandpa (who, btw, was strictly averse to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, with half of the family smoking, lmao): *complains about something trivial or mildly important, foreign bureaucracy, or just insults people at random*

Me: *passing through, blabbering something about justice, other people's freedom, putting ourselves in their shoes, having the documents checked by someone who could help with Italian language*

NarcGrandpa: *staring at me annoyingly, making a griny face and beginning to forcefully pat & stroke my head, repeating ironically 'Pametnice!'*

Me: *proceed to shriek and shout 'Pusti me, dosadan si!'*

'Pametnik'/'pametnica' means 'genius' in Serbian. So he used to make fun of my intelligence by calling me 'the genius one', lmao.
'Pusti me, dosadan si!' -> 'Let go of me, you're annoying/boring!'

We used to watch a lot of WWE together and shared our love for John Cena (my 'You can't see me!' face made him laugh a lot), Eddie Guerrero (who I think died of an overdose, so that's ironic in the context, but we were both sad and in denial after) and our fear for what made The Undertaker, The Undertaker (so, special effects and over-the-top dramatic acting). We were both so psyched when the girl across the street gifted me The Undertaker t-shirt for my 6/7th birthday. To this day, you can't say to him that TV wrestling is fake; he just takes the offense road.

'Staged choreographies? What are they? Gay dancers?!? You wash your mouth before speaking, foul! There used to be a lot of blood! They just can't show it anymore! Have you seen that chair flying into his nose??? Look how much he's in pain! *proceeds to make dramatic ouching noises* How could it be fake?!?'

He also cheated a lot on grandma, and one day just vanished. Then he kept coming and going as he pleased, and at that point, no one really stood him anymore.
I understood that they had a divorce much later. Nobody bothered to tell me, maybe because grandma didn't really want to let him go. But a long time after that, she became strong. And nowadays she's happy, loved, and fulfilled.
I think she escaped to celebrate her secret wedding with her man (or maybe not, but she's suspiciously secretive about her location and recently has posted some suspicious photos), who, by the way, already shares her surname.
Edit 10/31/2023 - 09:43: That last name is actually my NarcGrandpa's last name too, lmao.

My narc grandpa is happier too, but he had a heart attack recently due to being obese and was supposedly released today, so I have to remember to call him tonight.
Edit 10/31/2023 - 09:44: Didn't call him, I'll do that today or tomorrow.

I suppose people are meant to connect with each other when they need it & strictly for the time they need it.
Like my maternal grandparents were undoubtedly toxic for each other, but they were meant to experience their research for El Dorado together. They failed, but somehow it worked out. Because after that, they ended up finding some sort of stability.

By the way, it's 15:05, and I'm still fighting with the background. Maybe I should just choose a regular layout, and that's about it, but that doesn't make sense because I could have done that two and a half weeks ago, lmao.

Does anyone know a cheat code to move every object on the page to the left part of the screen, creating more space for the background? If not, I'll just ask in the forum, in the future.

17:00 - God, my raging feelings are starting to show me potentially believable scenarios again. I really need physical space. But I also need to remain humble and patient.

17:19 - 'Kay, I've done the background somehow. That's it for today; I don't have any more patience, and I'm triggering myself, lol.
I used this tutorial, which is amazing, and I'll continue tomorrow probably.