Log 7: School preoccupation and a bunch of other stuff

Hi! As always, it's been quite a while since I wrote a blog post, so here I am again to give a little update. And by update I mostly mean complaining about some classes I have. Lol.

School has been thoroughly kicking my ass recently lol!!! I still haven't really gotten back into the swing of things yet. I've never really been a very dilligent worker, and with a whole summer off of working my motivation to actually do anything has dropped to basically zero. Math is stressing the shit out of me and I'm slowly falling behind on my french work. 

My first art class project is already over. It was a group project, so it's not like I could express much of myself within it, but it was still fun. This is my last year at school and within my art program. I had always been under the impression that that would mean a lot of free time to work on stuff like personal projects and managing my own time, but so far it's been filling out boxes of text about our expectations for this year and not actually creating anything. 

The future art projects are also pretty nerve wracking? We get to sell one of our pieces at like. An actual serious gallery? Not that I'm ungrateful, it's obviously a great opportunity and whatnot, but I'm just unsure that I'll even be to the height of the task. I never really felt like my art was really commercially viable or anything, so I feel like I need to create something that I won't necessarilly enjoy making just to give in something acceptable by the masses? I pretty much only draw cartoony anime-esque fanart and oc drawings... Embarassing >_>

The seniors will also need to teach some kind of "class" to the middle schoolers, which. While very sweet, is also stressing the shit out of me. I don't feel like I have anything to show to these kids. I like being in my art course and creating things, but it's not like im exceptional in a specific medium or anything? I just kind of use whatever I have on me (usually highlighters and pen and stuff) to sketch random stuff. It's pretty rare that I do studies of anything just because it's a little bit boring, even though I know it would help make drawing easier. I haven't finished a piece that I really liked in multiple months, so I'm afraid to have nothing to show. What if one of the kids is just straight up better than me? I won't have anything new to "teach" them or anything! Lol! Scary! I'm all for helping out younger kids with understanding what the program is like, but I'm still feeling super nervous...

I've recently taken up to regularly playing Sky: Children of The Light again. The last time I played this much was wayy back in like 2020? It's fun to have a routine again tbh. Also it still just holds up as a really fun game to play. It's beautiful and pc version runs well :)

[Venting/ranting about friendships, insecurities and a brief section about my identity as a trans and aromantic person. Highlight to read, but feel free to skip alla this lol] ↓↓↓↓↓↓

Keeping up relationships with people has always been a little difficult for me. I have a shitty habit of pushing people away from me/getting burnt out of hanging out with the people I love after a certain ammount of time. Sometimes I still force myself to talk to people through this state because I feel bad that I don't contact a lot of my friends frequently. This doesn't really seem to rectify my shitty mood though. I usually expect my close friends to understand why I might not necessarilly be talking to them 24/7, but that that doesn't mean I don't like talking to them overall or something. I'm a pretty low commitment person in general, but I don't know if that's just how I truly am, or if I've been pushing people away my whole life and I've just grown used to having very little people close to me. 

Recently I've found myself getting pretty jealous whenever I hear of my friends going and doing stuff without me, hanging out together, whatever. It's a really ugly emotion, and I strongly dislike feeling that way about people who I love a lot. I'm glad they're hanging out and having fun amongst them, but I can't help but feel awful about the fact that people don't really seem to really *want* to hang out with me, yknow? I know that logically it's because of my little-to-no-contact attitude I've built up over the years that puts distance between me and others, and so I don't really get invited to do things very often. I always need to make the first step, which is kind of paiful y'know? People don't seem to want to hang out with me at all which gets discouraging, so I end up not really asking to hang out at all. I would try to change how frequently I talk to people, but I'm afraid that will only end in me being even more socially burnt out. I don't know what option would be the least emotionally painful for me, so I don't know what to do. I just sit miserably in my room alone looking at peoples posts about hanging out and getting more and more upset.

I'm really bad about opening up about my feelings to my friends, so I don't even know if I could discuss this with them or like find help in anyone I know. I've always been a pretty timid person, and whilst on the outside I can look pretty loud, when it comes to personal things like my own feelings and thoughts, I've always subconsciously avoided talking about it with anyone, and I keep my distance from people by never really sharing anything that's bothering me. At least I have a therapist now, I guess. But a part of me still yearns to be close to people, despite the fact that all my actions and paterns of behaviour are bringing about the oposite effect. 

Confusing feelings I guess. It's like I want someone to comfort me and tell me that I'm still a good person and that they still like me and spending time with me despite my shortcomings. I want to receive reassurance without me having to ask for it, which is obviously ridiculous... But still. I wish people could read my mind haha. I always feel like I fall short of what it is to be a good friend even though I know that's not necessarilly true. I try very hard to support people when they need me and I don't think I'm actively antagonistic to people, but it does kind of always feel like an uphill battle to stay good and optimistic when I always have these persistent thoughts about people hating me/not caring about me at all and stuff. I know that they're wrong, but they don't ever really go away, even when I make a point not to believe the thoughts.

Doesn't really help me that a bunch of people I know are getting in romantic relationships around me which only accentuates my feeling of lonelyness. I don't want a romantic relationship, but that level of closeness and almost unconditional love is tempting. Of course It wouldn't really work out for me because I'm aromantic, but a guy can dream, right? I've also thought about changing my pronouns again recently? I've been feeling way more masc recently and I'm starting to get uncomfortable with she/her again. I don't really know what I am anymore. Things are very confusing rn... I'm a trans person who also plans to have fwb or something like that (only option that doesnt make me nauseous to think about as an aroallo person) in the future when I'm an adult, and maybe use dating apps to attain this, and I'm a little bit afraid of how people will perceive me. I have long hair, and I don't really look particularily manly (not that I'm a very cute "girl" either, so I kind of lose on both ends of the spectrum) I have a feeling people will only see me as a girl, and not even a very desirable one at that. I'm afraid people wont really want to maintain any kind of emotional connection with me. Idk. Things kind of suck rn!!!

[Rant over]

Anyways, idrk how to end this but ummm... I'm excited for Halloween!! I'm going to dress up as sans again (I've been doing so for like 5 yrs now) and im gonna go trick or treating with friends! Might be my last time since I'm getting pretty old now and idk if ill be able to pass as a kid for much longer lol. 4 ish months till im 18, how terrifying!!! That's the true Halloween horror story 😱😱😱!!!!