Inside out

And as I sit here, thoughts overflow my brain. Not being able to rest because of little intruders that wont stop pushing. Pushing and pushing until I question every decision I have ever made. Were they the right choices? Did I choose the wrong path? How do I know if I’m where I’m supposed to be? Faith. I know it’s something I’m supposed to have but somehow I always find myself like this. Doing things because it was the right thing to do, because it makes sense on paper. What makes me happy? I hardly can even answer that question. The one thing true to my heart begins with rhythm. The language of body movements to every beat and bounce fills my spirit with joy and freedom. It is not until then when I feel like who I truly am on the inside. Yesterday was hard for me and it shouldn't have been. Everyone is getting on with their lives and the simple question of whats in store for me next leaves my blood cold. Family? Kids? Marriage? It all seems so distant until you start getting older. Should I feel like I have to jump right into those things? What about my career, what about my assignment here on earth? I suppose all is possible to achieve at the same time. Thats life right? Its easy to just say that theres no timeline to follow but every second our time gets shorter and shorter, so make a decision fast. 

Incisiveness has haunted me since I was young. I’m never truly satisfied with whats right in front of me. Why? I don’t know. Why did I always have to do everything exactly as it was supposed to be done. Strict upbringing? Maybe. Wheres my fire, wheres my passion, who am I really? A mask for everyone else? A bridge made to push others along; as I do that I lose myself more and more in the process. 

Breathe. Breathe little one breathe. To everyone else shes strong, beautiful, smart, and filled with compassion. But to herself shes a burden. A ball filled with emotions that she doesnt know how to control or decipher. Controlled like a puppet to please everyone else. To seem like everything is always okay. She prances along in the meadows, watching the clouds form to different shapes. “It’s all so beautiful here,” she whispers. The wind swooshes and roars, it blows her hair out of her face. Now you can see her eyes. Her eyes smile and are bright, filled with laughter and a contagious smile. Scan upward and you’ve reached her mind. Something she’s never been able to understand. Maybe if you touch her you could feel the pain. So I touched her, but felt warmth. Happiness radiates off of this being so what is it thats off?