Lil trauma related bday rant

TW discussion of grooming and pedophilia

Idk if anyone else whose gone through similar stuff feels the same way, I kinda have this very strange disconnect with my own age now. I don't feel very strongly about having birthdays anymore, I don't hate it or anything but I'm not like excited at the idea. I'm 19 now ig, ever since like my 16th they've felt really weird. I just always get faced with the question "how do I personally feel about people 4-5 years younger than me?" and it makes me kinda sick. The first time I thought about it I was 16 thinking about 11-12 y/o's and obviously when you're 16 it feels like you're worlds apart like the way a fully grown adult probably looks at a 16 y/o. At least you'd think it's obvious but he certainly didn't seem to mind when I was literally starting 6th grade meanwhile he was old enough to be half way out of highschool. It feels really unreal to think about every single time. I get disgusted at the thought that I could even think about being attracted to someone that age and I'm not even actually feeling it as I think it. It's terrifying to wonder what he was thinking. And it feels like this giant invisible wall between me and the reality of my age because that's all I can associate aging with now. It also just feels like I've regressed somehow since everything that happened. I used to always be told I was so mature for my age but now I feel like I haven't mentally aged since middle school but people expect me to be an adult. I don't feel mature enough or old enough to be an adult even if I'm only a young adult. I still feel like back when I met him. So my birthday doesn't feel real. Sometimes I wish it wasn't because that's what brings this topic back into my head. I wonder if it'll ever stop. Like obviously I know that a 5 year age difference is meaningless past a certain point because you'd both be fully grown adults regardless of the younger ones age. I wonder if it will still feel wrong to me. I still feel weird about it being morally sound for adults to be attracted to me even when they're close to my age, like I feel the jerk reaction to insist I'm a minor but then I remember that's not true. Even though I'm obviously aware at all times that I'm not 12 anymore I do genuinely sometimes think 15 and then go "that's not even close I'm not 15." I can't entirely remember but I think that's the last time I spoke to him so maybe that's why that age stays relevant in my mind. I don't really know what to do with these sorts of feelings. Like usually the remnants of what he did to me are stuff that impact my relationships and I've slowly but surely been figuring out how to cope with that but this is almost like depersonalization. Like how do I even react idk if this is a sad thing or a mad thing or what? It only happens once a year and it doesn't really "trigger" me like I've dealt with plenty of dissociation before idrc ig. If anything when this kinda stuff gets brought up it just makes me mad at myself and then I have to remember that's not really fair. Looking back on everything now, years later, it was all so obviously wrong and manipulative and I wish I saw it. It makes me want to scream that I didn't see it. But then I have to remind myself I was literally 11, like that's a whole ass child, and how tf would I have recognized that he was bad for guilt tripping and gaslighting me if my dad was also always doing that and then telling me it was okay for him to do it. But it still fucking sucks only having the wisdom to stop it after it stopped. God it fucking sucks.