my public diary - break ups r hard.

this is a diary blog for me and everyone else who is in a similiar situation to mine - going through a break up (ofc u can read this if ur just curious but yk). i hope this helps someone who reads this to realize they’re not alone, ’cause i know how that feels. i’ll update this whenever i feel like it. if u like this blog and/or it helps u in any way, feel free to lmk ’cause i mean i feel rlly stupid for doing this lmao

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little background to our relationship :

we met in 2020 and instantly caught feelings for each other.

we started hanging out more in february 2022 n became best friends.

started dating in september 2022, saw each other at least twice a week EVERY WEEK.

moved together in june 2023

broke up in october 2023 due to my now ex bf losing romantic feelings towards me :/

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oct. 27th 2023 - the day of the break up

[it happened around 1am so i wrote this after waking up n calming down]

im actually already feeling better

like yeah i still cry a lot n im still hurt n i still love him but i know it’s for the best. neither of us are in a good place mentally n stuff so i know it’s for the best yk.

so he can move on live the life he wants n i can… stay here i guess. we’re still gonna b roomies since our lease is 12months n we’ve lived here for only four or five, but that’s alrite since we have a spare bedroom. 

i’ll miss him but at the end of the day he’s my best friend (and he told me i’m still his) so we’ll just work this out n then we’ll be alrite. as friends.

he’ll forever be my frist love my first everythingq n i hope we’ll be friends for as long as i live because he’s so important to me. yeah i still love him romantically even though he doesn’t love me like that, but when i get past my feelings i know we’ll be great friends. ’cause we’ve always been.

[edit : showed this to him n he hugged me so tight n cried:(]

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oct 28th - day 02 - i think im in denial

alec cant sleep alone anymore so around 1am last night i went to his room to comroft him. he was crying so loudly n i was rlly worried for him. we had a rlly long converstation abt what went wrong in our relationship and what we’d do differently if we could. we both cried for over an hour n just held each other. 

alec told me he still sometimes feels romantic attraction towards me, but it’s so rare that it’s not worth staying together just for him to wait for that feeling for a month at a time.

i really still cant wrap my head around this. yes i wrote really nice things in my last entry but… this just isn’t it.

i feel like my world’s ended.

last night, when we were talking, we both said that we dont even wanna date other people. we both thought we’d be together till we die. and even after that. we’d always talk abt how when we’re older we’re gonna get cows n chicken n stuff. now idk what to wait for. i feel like this is it. we’re both so broken. he fears that the ruined the rest of his life. and i know exactly what he means by that. ’cause i fear that too. we believed we were soulmates. and im still hoping we are.

i hope this is just a bump in the road. i know it’s kinda delulu to think abt, but im so deeply in love with him. ive been for three years. that’s something that doesn’t go away just like that.

he told me he hopes his feelings’ll come back once he learns to love himself. because he thinks that’s why they went away in the first place. and honestly, i think so too. he’s been so down and depressed for so long because of how he feels abt himself. im forever grateful he had the courage to ask me out a year ago, even though he knew it could end like this.

i just miss him a lot. and i hope one day we’ll either get together or still be best friends. im trying not to keep my hopes up, even though it’s hard after what we’ve been talking abt. but i’ll try my best to let him go, so we can both be at peace with ourselves.

oct 28th - update - knowing/seeing him use dating apps hurts me so bad.. i know he’s only looking for friends, since he can b v extroverted, but it still hurts. i keep thinking ”what if he falls for someone on there” etc. im not ready for that. and ik he isnt either but u never know. im So in love with him. i dont even wanna let go of my feelings, ’cause i keep hoping his’ll come back.

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oct. 29th - day 03 - i cant cry anymore

alec slept for the first time by himself since we broke up. it’s a small thing but im rlly proud and actually happy for him. he was crying the first and second night. like CRYING. sobbing. it was awful but im happy he fell asleep last night by himself. even though around 6-7am but that’s better that crying the whole night.

i posted this on my bulletins, wrote it last night:

”i just feel so alone in this. like i know im not, since alec’s going through the exact same, but im still so in love with him it hurts so fucking bad. like i dont wanna do anything. i dont wanna eat at all, i feel like shit all the time and i cant stop crying. i feel like, idk, i just dont wanna try at all. i just wanna sleep n like die or something.. maybe not that extreme, but i just wanna disappear until i dont feel like this anymore, ’cause i genuinely feel like im never getting over this.

like what do i do??

i cant listen to music, i cant crochet or make jewerly, i dont even wanna do anything. i just wanna lay here n rot.

and since we still live together,, like mornings r easy ’cause im delulu, but then it’s around 3pm n i start crying, ’cause i realize we arent together anymore and he doesnt feel the same as i do. and i feel so much and i just start crying uncontrollably n he tries to help me, but it doesnt help, it just calms me down for a while. n ive been crying sm im starting to get rlly embarrassed

i just dont know what to do with all this love i have for him since he doesnt want it anymore”

so yeah, im feeling A Lot. like, currently im lying next to him in his bed. he’s asleep. snoring. it’s so cute. we still cuddle in the mornings and evenings. it calms me down since im v overwhelmed atm. i also dont have any friends living near me (everyone’s like 50km away n i dont have a car) n my mom is over 200km away, so the love n support i need in this moment comes from him. i know it’s not healthy, and continuing like this just ends up hurting me more and for longer, but i rlly need it. it makes me feel safe. but it also makes me feel like shit in a way. yes, it makes me feel loved, but i keep wondering ”how isn’t he feeling what im feeling?” ”i love him so much how arent his feelings coming back?” ”we’re so close rn why doesn’t he love me the same?” does that make sense? ofc he still cares for me, and he loves me, but in a completely different way than i love him.

anyway yeah. i cried for an hour last night listening to TS 1989 re-release. that album means the world to me i cant believe it was released on the day of our break up. i cried my eyes out listening to that album, because so many of those songs remind me of alec. like ”style” , ”wildest dreams” (it’s one of the only TS songs he likes so obv i was crying a lot during that), AYHTDWS etc. but i cant cry anymore. i’ve cried the WHOLE weekend, my eyebags are HUGE and ive a constant headache (joyce manor reference). he’s been crying quite a lot too but i think he got most of it out on friday during that first night. for me it keeps coming n going. it’s like i’m fine, except for this little pressure on my chest, and then suddenly i look at him and it pops into my head like ”oh yeah we broke up i love him but he doesnt love me anymore” and i start to cry. it’s great /s.

this was a long entry but there’s SO MUCH on my mind…

update oct 29th - like im sure i could’ve done something to make u love me again :( i keep blaming myself.. at least i can cry again but like……

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october 30th - day 04 - i still get butterflies :(

i cried in his arms abt my last blog entry. ”im sure i could’ve done something to make u love me again” i told him. ”i feel like it’s my fault” he stroked my hair for a while till i stopped n got up. later he noticed my glasses were dirty from the crying n started cleaning them. i actually started crying abt that as well ’cause it was the sweetest thing he’d done for me in a while. it’s so stupid.

it’s currently 3:22am. we stayed up watching barbie movies. idr how but we were in the kitchen and at one point i got butterflies. like, thise kind of butterflies u get when everything’s still new. and i know he didn’t feel that. i know he doesn’t get butterflies and that he hasn’t for a while. it hurts a lot. n i cried abt it.

oh. earlier, he’d said that he’s okay with our break up. he doesn’t like it, but he’s okay with it. i wish i could say that too. i really do. because im rlly not. im at the ”bargaining” part iyk. i dont full on ask him ”can we pls get together”, because that’s not an option. and i know that. but im trying to come up with solutions in my head, though in my heart i know there isn’t one. he jusr doesn’t feel the same anymore. and that’s that.

update october 30th - i was actually doing quite well today. we were on the balcony n i realized like "omg im actaully fine we're just hanging out as roomies we're best friends like we were b4"! then we tried to watch twilight (they were OUR movies we love them), but didn't get past the first 10mins, since we realized we just couldn't do it.. i'm v sad abt it. like genuinely fucking bummed out. it's one of my fav movies n i can't watch it anymore..............

anyway yeah, i was still relatively fine until he asked me to take my pictures down from his wall :l ofc i did it, they're my pics after all,, but it made it real in my head (again).. he was also obviously v sad abt it, said that if he could he'd probably cry. me too. ive been depressed since then. it was like five hours ago.

somehow i still feel like he’s completely fine with everything. like he doesnt care that we arent together anymore, because he doesnt get as emotional abt certain stuff as i do. he’s never been emotional like that, so idk why it’s bothering me. maybe im just expecting him to react differently to things since we’ve broken up. idk.. but he still cant sleep alone which is awful. he hasnt slept more than 12 hours during the last four days. im rlly worried :(

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oct 31st - day 05 - uh

(1am) alec said one of the reasons he fell out of love was bcs we slept in the same bed :( i loved sleeping with him im actually crying :( i loved cuddling with him i thought he loved it too.. ik he said that he just needs to sleep alone every once in a while but it kinda hurt. he did apologize he said he shouldn’t have said it but tbh i think i needed to hear it.

update oct 31st - stage four, a never ending, extremely bad depression.. even though ive been going back n fourth w these fucking stages im just depressed rn. at least im not in denial. that’s worse than depression imo.

i was so happy. even a few days ago. ive been so down since i woke up. yeah, we cleaned today n washed laundry but even that didn’t help. it distracted me for a few hours, but that was it.

i keep waiting for him to come to my room n ask me to hang out. we’ve done that every night since we broke up, since he’s had trouble with sleeping, but not tonight. i left his room ’cause he wanted to watch Twilight, so ofc i went to my bedroom. i know he fell asleep since his lights r off in his room, but i keep waiting for him. i rlly dont wanna be alone rn. i wanna hug him. i need a hug from him.

cant wait to get high on friday im hoping that helps :(

also i still call him my bf in my head. it’s a bad habit im rlly trying to get rid of. and everytime he doesnt answer me when i ask something i almost go ”babe?” ’cause that’s what i used to do when we were dating. i wanna kms (im not gonna, but im losing my mind).

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nov 01 - day 06 - it’s bad. (TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts)

we had a sleep over last night ’cause i couldnt sleep n he woke up hungry as hell.

like, he texted me around 2am n said he was hungry so i brought him cookies to his room n we talked a bit. i tomd him abt me just waiting for him n not being able to sleep so he suggested that we have a sleep over :,3 we had our own blankets n stuff, we didnt cuddle which is fine. his company was enough. idk why i had sm trouble falling asleep,, im rlly proud he’s finally starting to get comfortable with sleeping alone tho, since he had panic attacks abt it the whole weekend.

i was doing fine today. my mom n grandma came ovr n we cleaned n went to the store. after they left tho i realized how rlly tired n anxious like rlly fucking over stimulated i was so ive jst been in a rlly bad mood after  that all day. mostly just anxious n depressed. like i dont wanna do anything i wanna die.

he doesnt love me. no one loves me. im just a burden who cant even clean their own apartment. cant do laundry. cant go to school or work. i cant do this anymore i dont wanna do this anymore. i feel like he doesnt care abt me at all. yeah he treats me better than he did by the end of our relationship but he just wont tell me anything. i dont think he even wants to hang out with me anymore. like as friends. then i’d have no one.

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nov 02 - day 06 - well

idr much that happened last night. like we were rlly tired so i went to my room,, plus i was so depressed i just wanted to die. so i went to my room n just cried. we talked over text for a little bit abt how im feeling n how he’s feeling. he said he’s dating but not like seriously, he doesnt want a relationship with anyone, he’s just having fun. it made me happy for him but why am i so stuck on him?

i dont wanna talk abt it much, the convo made me feel all types of ways i cant even explain. i told him i was suicidal, because i wanted to b honest n he got rlly worried (as would i).

then we smoked ’cause i was feeling awful abt the things we’d said, n so was he honestly, so we just got high. then we fell asleep around 12am n BOTH woke up for no reason around 3am. smoked again n went to bed around 5/6am. except he couldn’t sleep. so he woke me up.

everything i used to love abt him i now hate. i hate it when he touches me. i hate it when he laughs. i just dont wanna b around him, but i dont wanna b alone either. n i dont wanna hurt him by being distant. i’ll have to, because being around him is getting harder n harder everyday, but not now.. i’ll think abt it.

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nov 03 - day 07 - hm

he’s treating me good now. when we were dating i always cleaned n he didnt share anything n stuff. now he’s taking care of his hygine and he’s cleaning n giving me things… like im rlly happy he’s finally doing these changes but i cant help but think ”why not when we were together. did he just not care abt me at all”.

it’s rlly frustrating. i just wanna hurt him the way he hurt me. but at the same time i dont. because he’s so dear to me. yea im rlly angry at him rn n stuff but like he’s still my bsf. i need to remember that. i dont wanna hurt him, and im genuinely scared that i’ll say something i regret.

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nov 07 - day 11 - just thoughts

i still love him, but it’s platonic now. i dont rlly feel romantic attraction towards him i dont think. he hurt me really bad.

put this on my bulletins yesterday:

”lowk happy that my ex/room mate got kinda rejected by the dude he was talking to and had feelings towards. the dude just hasnt messaged back in over 20h bcs of something my ex had to tell him abt, n my he’s rlly broken up abt it, but tbh im having a hard time feeling bad for him. i rlly dont care. yeah i try to help him calm down n reassure him abt whatever but like that’s it. i rlly dont give a shit. he treated me like shit so,, yeah”

ik that’s rlly mean, but he did break my heart. he didnt care that we broke up. i want him to feel at least half as horrible as i did that first week.

but yeah, he’s still my best friend. but im still rlly mad at him because of how he treated me.

im moving on tho, like im talking to ppl :3 so that’s nice. is it just to get back at him? kinda, but also i have my needs yk,, so yeah teehee