Living Vs. Surviving

I wonder what it’s like to be anyone else, not the sitting daydreaming of being a millionaire or a superhero stereotype. More along the lines of being in the car looking out the window as you drive down the street and seeing people genuinely happy and wondering what that would be like. Wondering how their life differed from yours and how different you could have been with maybe some small life tweaks here and there. If there had been better parents or better choices, better significant others or better jobs. Obviously no one can be certain of how great or horrid life would and could have been through different circumstances but I think of it quite a bit and I wonder if people like me do too. I never could put a box on what I was and then it just clicked one day, as comedic as it is, it was during one of the times I was thinking about unaliving and discussing why I felt that way with my significant other and he told me that I needed to live and it just clicked. Through trauma I had become a survivor and the thing they don’t tell you is that with people like me you can’t go back, obviously everyone is different but I guess I just hadn’t noticed that I never went back to Living. That I was never able to cross back over that threshold, and it is so hard to just survive. This is just a rant and I probably sound idiotic but sometimes being the survivor I am I just have to scream out my feelings and thoughts before going back to the ever changing horror of life