These days you can't really escape from your notifications and your responsibilities.

October 26, 2023 - 00:51; it's Thursday (already???).

The less I go out, the more tired I feel.

Maybe we're all plants who can't live without sunlight, like that character in 'Wolf's Rain', which is SciFi too.

Anyway, I was thinking: I have always been the worst at keeping up with people.* I have very low stamina and my attention span helps me only so much. Like, if I'm actively searching for you, good for you (but is it really? Good?), you're probably my current hyper-fixation and I'll remember almost everything about you from here on. But at some point, I know my self-doubt will be triggered by something shallow. I will not be able to cope, I'll just forget about this place and move over and then will be too embarrassed to return and apologize.

At least, I used to be like that.

But now I'm trying to change because I don't like that part of myself anymore.
I'm trying to change even though I believe people can change only so much. So, here's the problem.
If I am such a low-energy person now that I don't have, nor desire enough stimuli, how will I be when I get there, where I want, where my sense of belonging will be finally accomplished? I'm feeling so void and passive right now. I don't think people - the people who will be by my side, maybe - deserve that. So how do these things work?
Is there any way to achieve them and become a functioning person who can provide and not just talk?

My Italian Lit teacher in high school (yes, the bomb-ass one) preferred to lecture about life more than Literature. She's a philosopher.
I don't remember what actuality theme we were debating about, but at some point, one day, she asked a genuine question to which no one knew the answer. Of course. You don't really need answers in philosophy. Philosophers don't know anything; they just wonder and ponder.

There was a solid minute or two of silence (one of the reasons I loved her lessons were those precious moments of stillness. Even though at the time I just felt stupid for not knowing the answers to her blatant provocations).

So she said:

'People always tell other people what they should do to resolve their problems, to better their life, to improve as persons. You should do this and this and that. Sure. But how? How can I do all these things? Everyone always talks about what should we do, but no one ever knows to explain us how. It's the how that we're searching for, it's the how we need, not the what. We're not stupid; we already know what we need and what we should do to lead the life we want.'

Just a random thought.

I really appreciate some of you.

♠ Toya;


*Today I had an appointment with a work consultant, but just forgot about it and spent the day actively ignoring her calls & messages.