19:05

These past days I haven't been able to answer myself how did I get here. I can't recall clearly any of the things that have happened the past like, 3 years maybe?? It could be more

I think I've been a bad friend. A bad daughter. A bad granddaughter. And a bad girlfriend. 

After deciding to be meaner, I've once against decided to be nicer. Maybe not as much as before, still, but I feel it's been rotting my heart. I don't want anyone to feel bad for my words and actions, and I know that we actually don't matter that much to other people. We don't have as much of an impact as we think, but I know I have been mean. They kind of deserve it, or more than that, I don't owe them my kindness, but still. If I want to survive, I need my heart to feel lighter.

Every therapy session I've had tried to explain why I think I'm a "bad something", my mind goes blank and I don't know how to explain myself. So I'll try to put my thoughts into words? The things that make me feel guilty and end up transforming into this mentality. I should probably go back to therapy, I know and I'm getting there, but maybe it won't be that good for me anyways. I don't feel much has changed in any of the 3 therapists (the ones that I've been fir more than 3 sessions) I've been to. I've been off-meds for a while, and it hasn't been that bad, and to be honest, I don't know if I was actually better when I was on-meds or if it was just placebo effect and how I wanted the pills to work. 

I'm not good at visiting my mom. She lives close, but I never have the energy. She's fun, and I know she misses me. But I also feel that she doesn't know how to treat me. One time I was complaining about university. About how unhappy I was and how I felt pressured to study there. And she sort of.. broke down? Started yelling and crying telling me how she couldn't do anything about it, and that she was tired about me saying those things all the time. And if I hated it so much then I should just get out from university. There were other factors, but she was overall right. I could've just quitted. But it was scary and I was already like 4 years in debt. It's always an option, sure, but not an easy one. Then I tried to hug her and she pushed me. I'm not much of a hugger, and certainly I haven't tried it against. We are okay now, but still I think she believes I'm awkward, and how she doesn't know how to deal with me. I don't think she doesn't love me or anything, but a big part of that maybe is because a parent can't really separate themselves from their children just because they're kinda weird (it took her like 3 years to accept I was a lesbian, and throughout that time I know she felt uncomfortable; and I sometimes say things she doesn't agree with, or I can't keep up with her stories, and other situations where I've not been "normal" to her. Don't blame her though! Just didn't explained why I used the word weird) and feel somehow forced to love their child even if they don't realize. But I know that if I told her that's what I think, she'd cry. After that, anyways, I decided to never brought uo the subject of being unhappy about university again. To tell them I've been doing better now and that I'm so glad I didn't get out. They like telling me it was a good choice and they knew it was for the best. It did help, though. Even if it's not exactly for me that I'm getting my degree, I want to make her proud.

I often think about just start screaming and crying on the floor when my dad makes me think I did something bad. Whether it is arriving late; staying over at my friends/girlfriend's house too much (too much being 1 time for friends, more than 1 time if it's at my girlfriend's); for not going out enough; for working too much; for not sweeping the dust from the stairs every day; for mistaking the brand of mayonnaise I put on the table (I thought I was right because it was facing the other side. He was very offended). Aaa I don't know, he needs more than what I'm able to give sometimes. I'm not an affectionate person, but I try my best! Our relationship got better after he told be my tattoos were horrible and that I wasn't making good decisions. What's important there, is that they are my decisions. I don't have any tattoos that cannot be covered by clothes, and I was quite happy about these particular ones. But now every time I see them I remember my dad saying they were ugly, even if I like them, as soon as I'm concsious about them I cover them up. Because of what he said, he apologized later. That he felt i failed as a father because of what he said (it wasn't just that, but other things I can't remember well now. I tend to forget easy). I forgive him, I really do. Although I still get nervous when it gets late and I'm still not home because I think he'll yell at me or will ignore like he used to, but it's a process. He hasn't been as punishing after that, even with things I know he would've exploded before. We've been going to the gym together, because he asked me to help him go. I don't particularly enjoy it, but it does make him happy, so I go along with it.

Yesterday I almost asked a friend of time to tell me to... stay. Deep down I knew I wouldn't do anything, but I wanted someone to be there for me. And I know he understands pretty well the desire of going forever, so if he were to tell me not to do it, I would appreciate it. But I didn't want to put ideas on his mind, and I don't want to bother anyone really. I don't want someone to feel response for my well-being. When I was younger I made that mistake. I screwed up, yes, and needed to get bandages. I want to go myself but walking... hurt, so I called my friend. She got there and was shocked and nervous, but helped me nonetheless. I was embarrassed snd just wanted her to forget about it. I thought she could, and didn't mention it again to anyone for years. But one time she brought it up, and I just could say I was sorry. Of course watching your best friend bleed isn't something you easily forget. I'm sorry.

And now my dear, lately I haven't been able to answer or ask the way I'm expected to. My brain isn't working well, and I think it bothers you, I'm sorry. I do like it when I'm teased, but I haven't been able to take jokes so well lately. It's not her fault I'm crying, I have just been more sensitive. I love her more than anything in the world, and I've been meaning to tell her that I haven't been doing well, even if I can't point out why exactly. I know she would understand, and that it would probably understand my attitude and why I've been a bit more out of control with my emotions if she noticed. But she's been having a bad time herself, and a lot of academic pressure. I don't want to distract her, especially not now that there are way too many evaluations. I want her to focus on herself! And that she heals and feels okay and being able to keep her company and seeing her accomplish all of her goals and telling her how proud I am because she could overcome this year, because it was hard. So maybe I'll wait a bit, until we both have more time to hug each other while crying without worrying of having something important that we must finish for the day after.

When I'm asked how I am, I only say I'm tired. It isn't a lie, though, I am indeed pretty tired. But I prefer to say I'm ok rather than accepting I feel like shit but I have no idea why, because everything I mentioned before isn't new. It has just build-up and got to me. So now I'm just... sad. I wish that I could not only forget the events, but also how they make me feel. Because even if I don't remember what has happened, I do feel bad about it.

I'm sorry for not giving my all. For not being available to hang out. For not going to discord anymore. For not being able to take jokes well. For cancelling plans. For not knowing how to act. But thank you for sticking by, for loving me, and for not questioning me (not personally, at least) why I've been so quiet and in such low-spirits when I have enough strength to go somewhere.

I don't have a bad life. And I do want that tomorrow exists to kiss my lover once more, to remind my family I love them, and to hear my friend's laughing. It's just that feeling guilty for being alive isn't doing it for me. It's too much, and the not-so-bright most likely future has my anxiety up to 10000 each day that passes by. But hopefully in a while I'll be asking myself how the hell was that I got where I am again, and forget about this.