10/25/23

you know, I feel a little bad that when I journal here a lot of the time it's something negative now. But, I mean, it's my journal, so.... I can't seem to keep up with a diary physically so I like having the option to come here. I type faster than I write :P

the other night was a shitshow. my friend, our husbands, and I all went to a venue to see Municipal Waste. it should have been great; i imagine they WERE great. the openers were awesome, lots of fun. i ended up being assaulted by a tweaker in the crowd and we all ended up being kicked out and she and her friend continued to harass my friends and I once we left the venue. the security guard who was supposed to be helping us not only left my husband and I alone with these women, who continued to harass us (the attacker's friend spat on my husband, grounds for another assault charge lol), but she came back to tell us that she had witnesses who said I punched this woman twice. IT WAS INSANE TO ME. the only time i touched her was to push her away from me, and I did grab hold of her throat to try to keep her at arm's length while she had me by the hair and was punching me in the face. i had visible injuries and she had nothing. I don't pull this card often but it felt incredibly racially motivated, especially with how both my attacker and the security guard were white women with dreads. of COURSE you magically have grounds to make me the aggressor. she was not interested in my side of the story nor my witnesses saying they saw her attacking me.

i should have called her a fag-basher. i should've yelled back at her friend who was getting into it with my husband (not physically, thankfully), or when the guard was kicking us out of the venue until we could "act right", or when she followed us and was exchanging words with my friends but i didn't. i didn't say ANYTHING. i didn't say anything while I was being attacked either. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just felt so numb and distant while the whole thing was happening.. even when this woman followed us up the street and continued to say that i hit women and that i was violent. i didn't say anything. the cop who showed up (surprisingly considering where we live lol) said it sounded like "mutual assault" because it happened near a mosh pit. I just felt completely let down but at least she was nice and she walked us to my car so we could leave; the two women were gone by then, I imagine they scattered when the cops rolled up.

the numbness wore off the next day in its own way, I guess. I was exhausted at work all day and kept thinking about stopping at the store to get razors and go to town on myself like I used to; I don't think I really know how to process such strong negative emotions, even at this point in my life when I'm much happier with my living situation and have been clean for a long time. I'm over it now, but there's still some residual feelings I think writing about it will help get out.

when we got home, my husband cleansed our doorways, I cleansed our washer and shower, and we showered and washed the clothes we had been wearing. it's not much to someone who isn't spiritual I guess, but we didn't want ANYTHING sticking to us or following us home after that. my face is still a little sore but I'm just about over what happened. i'm just glad I bought my merch (very cute Municipal Waste hoodie) before the show started instead of waiting until it was over.

it just really sucks. it sucks being stuck in this city at the moment, it sucks that i had been starting to do better when it happened and feel like i've been plunged back into depression. I've had barely any appetite since then and have been putting off eating until I'm at the point where I feel faint, another old habit of mine rearing its ugly head. when I do eat I just lose my appetite and feel kind of sick. I'm very ready to just be OVER IT completely so I can feel normal again.