♡ 10:24》 Post Vacation Blues

》hello all

》ive returned from my vacation to florida (9.8/10 btw had so much fun)

》now im back in my home state with a head cold (rip)

》and all i did today was go to work, blow my nose a million times, not eat enough, and just feel shitty

》i guess it's just the post vacation blues, but i think returning back to my world was gonna be an adjustment compared to riding roller-coasters all day

》sad to say but everytime i saw myself in a mirror on my vacation i got INSECURE AS FUCK (you can take a break from your life but never your mind i suppose)

》so now it's back to the grind i guess. it's a shitty feeling to think that you will never be happy about how you look. i try to be positive but i struggle much more often than i will ever let myself admit

》hopefully my energy will go back up in time for the other things i have planned this month

》i also feel like i am embracing more toxic elements of my psyche, like detachment, female rage, indifference, and jealously poorly disguised as hate and criticism

》is this the result of falling incredibly short of my own expectations? probably.

》since i grew up with internet culture, comparison is a natural part of my psychological development. 

》i can safely say i genuinely hate anyone doing better than me, and i exist at a point where i am driven forward by pure spite and fear of falling behind anyone

》i am aware of how negative this all sounds, but id rather be a dick than a swallower (thanks ye)

》hopefully one day i can find peace, but until then we choose violence

》i spend my free time not eating enough, getting depressed about my body, being envious of people who don't know i exist, silencing my distressing thoughts with doomscrolling and parasocial relationships with people who are chronically online doing things i wish i had the energy or confidence to do, occasionally having the fleeting thought of ending everything, numbing myself with whatever i can find, and wasting my 20's away by being no one's first, second,  or third choice that isn't directly related to me

》i hope im not sad forever

》i hope im not alone forever

》{Bobbie has left the chat}