Entry #?

I know I've becomed a selfish person this year. And my empathy is very lacking when it comes to facial expression and tone. I'm so tired of trying to seem normal, that I could care less. I'm always gonna be wrong, so might aswell be wrong and defensive. I'm not a mean girl by nature, I just got progressively worse. I've tried getting therapy and I always miss my therapy appointments. If their is a god, clearly they think this is the best I'll ever get.  Such a bummer, like how am I not supposed to be pessimistic when most things go wrong my way and only work-out if I manipulate and demand it? Already feel like I can't be loved and was never meant to improve. Might as well be the most passive aggressive I can be without care. Consequences will come, I know that. I'm tired on stepping on coals and tip-toeing around people. I'm gonna be judged either way so I'd rather people fear me than ignore me and assume me to be something I'm not. I don't know what's true about myself anymore and if who I truly am isn't clear than I'd like to confuse and mix people's feelings for even assuming my identity, my being, my life. If people would just ask me, I'd answer. As far as my family says, I'm spoiled and my friends recognize me as cautionary and kind. Very opposing opinions which often makes people question which one is a lie. And the truth is, none of them are. Just, some people don't deserve to see the other half of me. Which ever it may be.