i miss my ex

so instead of texting him, i´m doing it here.

listen, i did not lie to you. i was not capable to hold this relationship but a lot has happened since.

i do not know who i was back then, i know you fell in love with the real me but there was something holding me back, isolating me and stopping me from being honest with you. the last thing i remembered was the face you made when i told you, that i no longer want to be in a relationship with you and it was terrifying, cause now you hate me, want to destroy my life and i don´t get it. i told you i was not capable to love you, cause i couldn´t love myself and you´re punishing me for it...

now for what has happened; after we broke up i was on my own the whole time. sure i have friends but i WANTED to be alone, because i felt like that was what i´ve missed. i missed myself, i missed my interests, needs, wishes and thoughts. after being alone for so long i discovered everything back, and even better i started to trust myself so much more. i like myself and no longer scream into the mirror. i started to ignore my body and started eating more. i´ve been sleeping better and even got a job...

but i miss you, holy shit i miss sitting in your lap reading manga while you´re playing smash. i miss loosing mtg against you. i miss sitting on the balcony with your mom and having deep talks until the sun rises. i miss your family, your sister and your smile, your smell, your eyes and your thoughts. everything you told me i miss. everything you wanted to share i miss and it´s not even that nobody does it now, i want it to be YOU telling me all these things that interest you. i want it to be you listening to me sing, talk and vent. i want it to be you laughing at my jokes and being proud of me and i am not sorry for leaving you, but here i am now. i am better and i would do everything to have you in my arms again, even though you are so hurt you never want to see me again.

i love you, i really do. when will i see you again?