The internet is a confusing space and i dont know how to change my discord profile pic. Also problems to share with my therapist.

And if you're not this precious human whom i spend a part of today (02.01.2021) with  - CONGRATS ! You've found my top secret  diary. You can tell a lot about a person from a diary, I was about to compare it to a personality database, but in reality it isnt that - you learn more about the way they see the surrounding world rather than the way they behave. 

I feel like I'll never trully behave in a way that is appropriate, which makes most of the contact I have outside of my bedroom very anxiety-inducing. I have two options: To pretend im a smooth talking extraverted jokester, although im bad at the last part unless theres alcohol involved, or that im myself- and i do like myself sometimes, but im very child-like in my manners which annoys me. Anxiety isnt the right word. Im just very socially awkward. I also relate to Will Graham.

Maybe being a ghost would be the right occupation for me. I could have all the information in the world and not be a part of it. But i couldnt make art.. Maybe if i had a way to make art and only exist through it like a weird entity. Id have the time to read all the classic literature there is, and just observe and observe. Id learn physics. Id learn most languages and Id learn piano. I wouldnt learn the guitar as im planning to do now as a human. Im learning the guitar so that i can play folk punk and sing-alongs, and those two are nothing when you're on your own.

You also wrote something about ghosts in your first one. Its surprisingly hard to find what youve written in your blog. This website is hard to navigate..As any website ! Or maybe im just a young old person.

I asked myself - who is MY soulmate. And I've always seen Eve as that. The In to my Yang. But maybe ''soulmate'' isnt the right thing to call the relationship we have.

I know she means a lot more to me than I do to her. But I dont mind it because i feel like nevertheless she likes me more than she likes most of her friends, if not all. Our lifes are just not compatible in this universe. I have this image engraved in my head: her, as a man with glasses. almost no hair. long ass black robe,standing next to a  big globe and telling me about geography and how the world is round.

She makes a great IN. She's the only other person besides the water bender that knows of my deepest darkest place. And she's the only one still here.

I could be a better version of me. I could just stop watching things that romanticize what is wrong (although that would leave me with barely anything to watch. I guess I'll just stop watching stuff altogether and I'll start living. Scary thought.) I've dreaming of stuff which I already know. I know and i don't do anything about. I've decided to start verbalising my self-reflections ,even the smallest of them. Fixing myself due to peer pressure isn't ideal but I hope it can get the job done. I know there are other ways and that i know them, but.. Sometimes no matter how much i really really think about those subjects, i cant figure out the ways. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is just wired in a very weird way, and when someone says to me '' But you DO know'' its.. Yeah, I probably do. Its probably common sense. But what if i dont? Thats really scary. Im not really that smart. I may learn things fast but thats about it. I cant dive into my unconscious and find the information that I need and is useful for my wellbeing. 

Everytime I open the windows and the sun shines in my face I know its going to be a good day. Its a feeling i cant describe with words. Its like I have limbs for the first time. On the first spring day of 8th grade I walked home from school. The whole way. While talking on the phone energetically. I hated going into the sun as a kid because i was afraid of getting a tan. Now i dont care about my appearance as long as the air has its summer breeze. I just wish i didnt have a womanly chest, since its the only thing keeping me from dressing the way i want to without the feeling of discomfort. When the sun shines I feel like I've washed my face with ambrosia. And no matter what happens that normally irks me I just ignore. 

I love you. not just you, chrisi. although i do. i do love you. but i just love everyone and humanity and spring and everyone everyone everyone.