Scattering crumbs in bed after you promised you wouldn't eat in it anymore isn't so different from blaming yourself for your past mistakes.

October 23, 2023 - 03:26; it's Monday.

It's the middle of the night. I woke up three hours ago. I am bored and maybe hungry?

Work was fine, even though I managed to forget some numbers to add in Excel, as usual. Well, my working week of two days is finally over, so 'sti cazzi.

I don't know what to do, even though I have a lot to do. So, I think I'll start with the less important thing I can to pass the time: the layout + a random list of random thoughts that come to my mind.

• Wow, I tend to repeat myself a lot in English. Do I sound so rendounant redundant in Italian too? Rendounant is not a word, I fear.
• So, how does the 'layout' section work?
• I have to poop, but it's too cold.
• I have some kind of idea for the layout I want.
• Like, I want some columns for sure.
• So, 'bomb-ass' is actually a word.
• I got distracted by name meanings and horoscopes, again.
• I got distracted by my dreams.

• Talking with Yo after so much time unlocked many memories, and the nice part is that I didn't intentionally unlock the worst ones. It puts life in perspective, knowing that 'in the end', what remains are just physical scars, lessons, and a couple of good laughs. I actually wish to get to know the people Yo is friends with better, which is hilarious because most of them are the neighborhood kids we used to go to school with. Some of them were not so bad, while others, apparently, have changed a lot (for the better, according to him). I was (but was I?) surprised to learn that some of the boys I used to know ended up in sinister companies.

• Also, we talked about this girl that I didn't know well, and what he told me left me with hope that she's doing fine on her own. It struck me because she never talked (and she actually didn't know the language, so it makes sense, though)... She was the perma-grin type, but her eyes used to reflect fear.

• What will her eyes be reflecting now?

• Now I'm thinking about that other girl she used to hang out with. Quite the talker and the unhinged, pretty, wild card. The older, overconfident type that makes you kind of nervous at first. You admire her because she fights with the boys with so much more energy, and you fear her because she's so carefree, but then she just starts to be obnoxious. She's the type you don't really want to understand, think is stupid, and end up clashing with over silly things. You don't trust her because when it's your turn to confront the boys, she just backs up like every other girl in the class. That makes you think that people are all unworthy and that battles should be fought alone. But, she's also the type that you can laugh with after every skirmish. I hope she's well too, even though I have some doubts.

• In retrospect, she was probably dumbing herself on purpose, both in school stuff and in behavior. She had the type of hysteric laughing responses that you can notice in abused people. If you had trusted her, would the two of you have been able to share your fears? One day, she suddenly disappears, and nobody knows her whereabouts anymore.

• We never used to be friends anyway, but she spent a lot of time with a sheltered girl who ended up becoming my friend later on.

• The sheltered girl was my friend and a good one too. I was not as good, though.

• I find sheltered things & sheltered friendships boring. I don't like messiness, though. But it's still my normal, at least when I am at home.

• Was I too strange?
• Well, it's all relative.
• That time I should have restrained myself a little, I think.
• Maybe it's not a bad idea to check up on J.
• I'm kinda tired now? And this letters are too small.
• Wait a minute. It turns out that I have abandoned more people than I thought.
• I hope baba/nonna comes back from Serbia soon because I need to take a long walk around my Trieste, right now. Maybe for Halloween?
• When do I have the dentist, btw-
• It's six o'clock in the morning. I'm taking a dump.

So, I had a deep thought while I was pooping and now I'm eating my fusilli leftovers with black beans and fried red peppers* (mamma mia, tanta roba).

Turns out that common sayings that don't ring a bell in your present reality are actually based. I used to think they were unrelatable and shallow placeholders of real conversations people would avoid, but they are actually solid advices and omens coming all the way back from the past. Just because you can't understand them now that you are too invested in your problems, it doesn't mean they lack truth and depth.

On another note, today I discovered why adults hate to talk about their jobs & workdays.

*Fusilli with black beans and fried red peppers: mom's revisitation, not a traditional recipe. If you know how to cook a good pasta you can put on it basically everything. Please, avoid ketchup and mayonnaise. Everytime you have uncooked pasta (which is different then 'pasta al dente'!) and you top it with ketchup and mayonnaise an Italian grandma dies of shock.

07:30 AM circa - It's still cold and dark outside. While most of you are now asleep, this part of the world is slowly waking up.