Good days are hard to find?

Excuse me? Days? Ya! good luck with that. Trying to find a morning where i'm not dwelling in my dark place aka my brain and ya a good time is very hard to find. As i slam each key down of my outdated laptop. As i shake my glass table, i got for free, sloshes my coffee around almost spilling it on said laptop. As i try to type out as many things as i can before i forget them which reminds me of my WPM which makes me feel like a failure because i was going to school to work in human recourses and i fucked that up. I was on K2. Thats for another blog.

ANYWAY. Off track. As my coffee almost spills i think about my current job and how i ignored several phone calls from them yesterday. In my head i'm running through excuses i can use or what would explain me not calling them back even today. Idk i could say i was down that i didn't want to move. Or that the phone call actually gave be quite the dread that i ruined my day off bc thats all i thought about. Or that i could just text him and be like sorry i lost my phone. Who believes that. I could just say i ignored it. Why? BC idk i didn't wanna deal. I was sad. 

Idk if this makes any sense. No one is reading anyway. Ill skim through i guesssss.

AnYwAy AS MY COFFEEE almost spills, i think about the movie i paused b4 i logged in. Its a good movie but i'm watching it alone.. but idk if i should save it for my ex. to get home. We still live together and i feel love each other... stop thats another blog. RIGHT NOW i'm just trying to explain how i was having a good time this morning. And now i'm fucking upset again. I feel like i could cry. I have no one in this town besides my ex. People say i can talk to them. But thats just something people say. I don't wanna form relationships and as soon as our lease is up we are jumping ship. No matter what. unless we get back together maybe but idk if i'm going to be good enough for my partner or if they are better off without me. even though we love each other. ANYWAY

Not talking about that now. But Im sure being unmotivated and lazy and covid and my self hatred isn't helping. Maybe ill make a new video.

So i'm trying to be healthier and i bought Chinese food and left it in my car. i didn't want anyone to see it. I have eating problems. But i wanted to feel that warmness that comes with something good like Chinese food. Like happy in the moment bc thats as good as it gets these days.  But i know as soon as i eat it i'm going to feel sad about it. Even though i feel glad that i have it. Its stilllll just sitting there. Sometimes i make a whole meal and throw it away. Even though i don't want to. And it feels like i punish myself for no reason. Like i wanted that food.

A N Y W A Y i was having a good morning. 

Peace and love. 

-L