Am I a Hypocrite ?

do u know what's worse than being a loser? well it's being a loser rejected even by other LOSERS..

so its already been a month and a week since school started. i have gained some friends i guess. i have like 20 and something people on my instagram !! i dont even talk to some of them, BUT HEY, FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS!!!

but seriously now, i am so lonely. all i do is wonder "what if someone comes and talks to me? what would we talk about? well i would tell them .... and then id say ..." LIKE IDK HOW 2 EXPLAIN BUT i always imagine having conversations even tho i never actually have them.....this is real delusional behaviour (hope this makes sense, it's 11 pm....)

so as i said in a previous entry, i sit next to this girl Beatrice. in front of us there are Micaela and Bianca. behind us there are Ruxi and Andra. because of my negative opinion towards beatrice, i wanna be friends so bad with the other girls. why? because they are WAY more similar to me. when i hear them laughing at jokes its like im hearing myself and my old friend group. except this time im not a part of it (well.... now that i think of, i actually felt just as lonely back then too)

i can only blame myself for being too introverted and awkward i guess...or not.

so i don't get along with beatrice right? she is more nerdy. one day this other girl (i think her name is alexa) came to us and was like "hii friends" like who r u???? not to be mean, but alexa is literally THE stereotypical nerd. she only likes science-related stuff, has weird outfits, wears weird glasses, her hair is messy (she has wavy? hair but it just looks awful). and talks like Staci from tdroti (the best comparison ive got tbh) maybe even weirder.

so she started hanging out with us more and more. and it seems she really likes beatrice. like for example, me, beatrice and her were leaving the school and alexa said at some point: oh i have to go in the opposite direction actually. she looked at beatrice and said "byee, it was so nice talking to you, hope we can talk again, see you tmrw". AS IF I WASNT EVEN THERE???? and it's not like i wasn't talking or anything, i was engaging very much in that conversation. yet for alexa i was inexistent....

another example is that one day i arrived at school at 1:19. just 1 minute before the bell rang and even despite this, the classroom was still half empty. anyways while i was going to my desk, i see alexa with all her shit on MY desk and her ass on MY seat. like i wasn't even late i guess??? and even if i was, what makes you think you can just move where i am seated??? when she saw me, she quickly grabbed her things and acted as if nothing happened.

last week, she took a completely different turn. this girl GRABBED her desk and moved it next to Micaela's and Bianca's. basically, she sits in front of me. and its been hell ever since. alexa used to sit with a girl named Emma, so now Bianca moved with her AND I NEVER GET TO TALK TO HER EXCEPT WHEN WE LEAVE SCHOOL:(((  so yeah now im stuck with alexa...

i gotta mention that i am a picky eater. i vomit when i smell something i don't like and i vomit when i see something i don't like. alexa brings lots of fruits and school......most of the time it's grapes... i hate grapes. idk but i just don't like certain foods, i refuse to eat and i will get sick if i try them. usually, idgaf if someone brings fruits i don't like at school, but alexa puts her big ass package of grapes on MY desk and eats them in a way that makes me throw up. idk but i just feel like vomiting every time she mentions food.

another thing that really bothers me is that she acts like a child. no, not in a pick-me-girl uwu way. i don't wanna be mean, but its more of a mentally challenged way. she makes weird sounds and whines and kicks and more... just gives me 'the ick' (sigh tiktok vocabulary i know i know, execute me). there is one thing to go like "ughhhhh🙄" and another to be like "bwuttt whyy cant you doo this wahhhhh eeeeee ahhhh😖🤓". me and a bunch of girls were reviewing a text for an upcoming test and alexa started screaming "I'm boredddd, cant you guys read just the last paragraph ?? wahhh" while kicking her legs. the girl who was reading the text for us got pretty annoyed and glared at alexa. then she gently said "be patient...we will get to the end if there is silence"... this girl is like the sweetest person I've ever met, i cannot believe alexa can be so annoying that she managed to make her angry.

another childish (?) thing she does is rocking her chair. i do that too, everyone does that but every time alexa rocks her chair, she ALWAYS hits my desk. and its annoying obviously.. i thought she hits it by mistake but when i try to move my desk nearer me, she turns to me and goes "nuh uh"?? wdym nuh uh??? last friday i had a test at latin and it was SO HARD. i couldn't concentrate for multiple reasons, one of them being ALEXA ROCKING HER GODDAMN CHAIR. I'm so sick of this.

tbh she is just weird and annoying overall. we have to do a project at physics in teams, and she said "let me do it, so y'all can relax and do nothing!" like NO?? girl i don't even know you well, so how can i trust you??? and she kept insisting on this and also doing the project on paper, even tho... i don't know.. POWER POINT IS SO MUCH EASIER, COOLER AND JUST BETTER?? because of this she literally decided to do the project separated from us.. im cool with this lol

or last week, we had a history test. she was like "awhhhh i didn't do this, i forgor write that". she got a 98% OUT OF 100%. THATS SO GOOD. and she had the audacity to say "but i wanted 100%...".......girl....

i just hate her. im sick of her. alexa is annoying and awkward and weird and i do not want to be friends with her or be associated with her. i need friends with the same humor, style, intelligence as me. not this. the reason why i think im a hypocrite is that i believe i deserve better friends. i guess i should be grateful but idc. i don't like her, i don't like beatrice, and don't get me started on micaela..

to put it shortly, micaela is a bts stan. tbh i don't think i need to elaborate but i will for the sake of my anger. 

at first, i thought she was cool but it all went down when i complained to her about german class. she said to me "UHM no offense but german is actually really easy..like cmon its similar to english". EXCUSE ME??? YOU ARENT EVEN IN THE GERMAN CLASS. some days ago she also said she knows german PERFECTLY. cmon girl....even if she does know it perfect, bragging isn't nice......she is also indian and apparently her parents/family have a villa in India. they also have servants...? and horses?? AND SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO ACT LIKE THIS IS NORMAL. like no, for the average person, servants arent an option i guess. and horses?? if you have a horse, you either live on a farm or are rich. like yeah, my family is a bit upper middle class ig, but SERVANTS AND HORSES?? BFFR.. she also says things like "UGHH i LOVE these traditional indian noodles so much like i JUST HOPE i have some more at home because they are so so good". uhm, those are literally instant noodles...

she also seems a bit.. pick me? she would go like "OMGG where is Peter LIKE OMGG I GOTTA SEE HIMM LOLL, HE IS LIKE THE FUNNIEST HAHA" and does this over and over. idk how to explain but its just pick-me behaviour...and whenever the guy i just mentioned says something she will go like "HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"..

jesus its almost 1 am now and i didnt study at geography T-T. im gonna take a test tmrw, and hopefully will also get the results for the latin and literature tests (pls be a 9). im already sick of school, cant wait next friday for the fnaf movie !