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11/14/21
3:14 pm
It's a bit cold in my room. I made a coffee (black with a packet of stevia) and I'm smoking a gold cigarette out my window while my mom is at the grocery store. I'm listening to Celia's dream by Slowdive and swaying back and forth. I'm sorry for not updating you earlier on my high, I just simply forgot and there wasn't much that happened. I feel like Lux Lisbon, or at least I want to be her for today. I messaged him earlier, when I got high. He pretended like he didn't know who I was and It made me feel a bit sad inside that he doesn't want to keep in touch anymore.
I'm cleaning out my closet and it's making me feel a bit better I wish I owned prettier things, but alas I think some of them are pretty just in a solitary state. Is it wrong I don't think Jodi Arias did anything wrong? Of course murder is wrong by this big book of morals we all refer to, but he did far worse. He treated her horribly, and got satisfaction using her. She was a smart girl and I wonder if she really felt that way about Travis or if she was faking the infatuation. I mean he wasn't even hot in the slightest.
Anyways. I should end this blog post. I don't really want to cause then I will just be alone once again... I should go heat up my coffee but It might ruin the content state my body is in. I wish someone physically couldn't live without me it would feel nice. I want to be the person people want to be and the person everyone loves but if I cannot understand beauty in small things why should people find beauty in me? I've been drinking every night and it doesn't make me feel bad anymore. I feel like if I slowly destroy myself a detoxification stage will happen eventually so I suppose I shall work towards that. I keep logging my food in a obsessive way, but whenever I feel myself becoming weak I start to feel a hatred in myself that wont go away. I feel the need to get rid of everything and anything that makes me think of who I was in the past, I cannot bear to see it. I am jealous of my past self and all of the things she was not grateful for. The human decency and compassion I crave now, I once had.
Anyways. I don't think I have much else to say so I will post this :)
Kat <3
Comments
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