GUYS TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ 

Themes about: suggested self harm, suicidal thoughts, GORE, AND I MEAN DESCRIPTIONS OF GORE, self-deprication, self-destructive behaviours, implied toxicity, cannibalism, just overall, it's sad and stuff 

if you get triggered beyond this point  im sorry man I tried 

Also why am I so disgusting and horrible I'm so sorry guys I'm weird and depressing and I just ruin everyone's vibe I suck and this whole I'm sorry schtick and over apologizing thing and being sad is disgusting I'm sorry

but if you actually enjoyed my poem, PLEASEE (if you don't want to you don't have to you have no obligation to listen to me), please please PLEASE  tell me your thought process and what you understood, what you liked,  what stood out to you, or like your personal interpretation of my poem.

I'm sorry I'm asking so much of you guys 

that peculiar state of recompense, starved for destruction, nothing less than the rain pouring and flooding her room, isn’t that delightful, darling?

~~~

ahaha! isn’t life so funny? 

laugh, laugh, laugh my life away, 

mania encompassing my every move

as i chuckle and snicker at the joke called my life,

isn’t it hilarious the way i stumble against daily interactions and tasks,

ah, i think i really i’m losing it!

juxtaposed by a child weeping quietly, waiting for comfort and a girl realizing how empty she truly is, isn’t that the way it’s meant to be?

forlorn and despised,

torn between a deep seated contempt 

and my self-loathing attacks i slew upon myself, 

how funny, aren’t i so funny,

my life is a comedy!

so laugh with me, laugh at the joke of my personality!

resigned to watch this broadcast eternally, oh!

where did my purpose go, it seems to have vanished, 

oh how silly of me, how funny!

the paradox of being me, and watering down the truth of my personality,

to seem complete, and with the norm of society, watered down and easy to sip,

aren’t i ever so considerate?

bitterly swallowing all my feelings just to be burdened

by an empty hollow feeling lingering in my chest,

but isn’t the point, to become a laughing stock,

to be laughed at by humanity-?

disoriented by all my flaws, curbed by the everflowing hatred in my blood,

woozily giggling at myself, pointing into the shattered mirror that lays in my room, mocking me silently, an imperfect being,

so go on and laugh, laugh, laugh at me,

as the audience roars in distaste,

i hear my whimpers for mercy

and you ignore my pleas anyways, should’ve expected that, 

aren’t i so pathetically silly, love?

so better stay quiet,

stay silent while the shadows stalk me

in the corners of my peripheral vision, i can see their piercing stares-

i hide inside my head tucked away, inside a lie i love to play,

over and over again,

like a tape stuck on repeat,

it’s alright if it makes me feel safe, right?

so you don’t notice me, stay still, (hey, hey, come back-!)

“wherever did that little girl go…?”

that pitiful, woeful, child, pity she keeps striding towards her own demise, oh,

so laugh at my mistakes, a misguided child in the wrong place,

a comedian on the stage, bare my ribs and guts for all to view

aren’t i beautiful laid out for dinner, you and me, on the dining table

ravenous aren’t we?

so why won’t you devour my feelings along with my body-

as I offer up my soul on this grand, tragic buffet,

a feast of my insecurities, my doubts, my innermost fears,

savor them slowly, for they're a delicacy of despair, dear,

wreak havoc on me, i beg of you, please

completely ruin me, destroy me, i plead,

as my tears run down my cheeks,

salty, bitter tears, rolling in fat globs,

ironically similar to me, ironically,

can’t you see the humor,

i see the light and i grin and i remember that my time is slowly running out and i am nowhere to be seen,

i am nothing, a shard of glass, that reflects your personality, exemplified and praised,

while i drown in my sorrow, pathetic child,

rip her up, her body and mind,

atrocious and incomplete,

so better use me before i wake up

or don’t, i have no say anyways,

so use me to be happier,

and i’ll smile through how your hands and eyes crawl on my skin, searching for a morsel to eat,

where did you go? I can’t see with my clawed out eyes,

no, not anymore,

but isn’t it better, when i cannot see?

isn’t it better when i’m blind to all my faults,

ignoring the raging flames that consume me,

better to ignore it before i lose all sense of reality, 

but ah, well, i tried my best,

i guess i should’ve expected this anyways,

the comedy of

my absurd life,

i am plagued by all your words

ones you still haven’t said

i keep wondering if i’m better off de-

but nevermind, nevermind, i’ll settle for less anyways,

just please use me and throw me aside

before i grow conscious of your cruel lies

or don’t i’m already used to your abuse, but i enjoy the way

you make me feel okay

the suffering i deserved,

one i deserved, anyways,

so please!

eat me and consume all my thoughts

ravish my being before it goes and rots

either due to my inaction, or my choice to leave, love,

sorry, sorry i’m so appalling, punish me for all my countless wrong doings, love,

rip all of my hair out of my scalp, bleeding over the carpet,

staining it with remorse and continued affection

mirrored into the way you slam my head against the wall

how i desire the pressure between my mind and my life,

a tantalizing gasp of agony, how i desire that so-!

haven’t you noticed the darkness slowly infecting me?

can’t you see? 

my body rotting in the freezing cold, 

the decay festering in my soul,

a dingy cage for a creature, 

twisted and deformed, 

mirrored by hideous me, how amusing,

a dim room lit with only half melted candle-wax, 

a paper ripped and shredded, a blood stained cover,

all i see is my past and yet i search for the future, 

present and my imminent demise,

careless, careless, careless and idiotic, how confusing,

a deluded perception of reality, better fiction than truth, you see,

cradled by emptiness, and a hole in her chest,

you tease me endlessly, whatever do you want from me?

wishing for my end, and wishing for your success, is that not enough?

how comedic, trading in my dreams for a future filled with harrowing solitude,

but nevertheless, i love you !!

I cannot believe the world is so small,

yet inside my mind everything is enlarged beyond compare,

scaling a hill with nothing but a pair of shears and a shadow at my side,

i cannot keep up the facade

the words are suffocating and i cannot make sense of life anymore,

but ignore that and laugh with me !

laugh with me! laugh with me, let’s laugh, laugh endlessly!!

i’m all but a clown in a circus with nothing left to spare,

i can feel my flesh decomposing as it disintegrates off my bones

i can feel my heart slowing,

and the sinew of my muscles tearing in synchronization,

with my feeble mind, 

psyche shattered with effort, but let’s laugh it all away,

joking about everything, but when i come face the truth, 

i break beyond any repair, 

and i forgot how to fix myself,

but i didn’t want to be repaired anyways,

i need nothing more than complete obliteration!

i yearn and plead for nothing less than an eternal fate filled with delicious anguish and torment, so please fulfill that wish for me-!

oh well, oh well,

i begged for no mercy, as i rip off my face, painting one of pure joy and picturesque loyalty

but alas, you denied any semblance of hope,

so instead, i resign my fate with you intertwined, plastering a mask that cracks at the sides,

 i laugh, and laugh along with you,

but i weep for everything i’ve missed

the laughter is a mask, a shallow, empty disguise

but i laugh with you, because i can’t bear to let go

the tears would surely drown me

i don’t think i can go on any longer like this

there is no respite

my mind is too tired

and my eyes cannot hold back my tears

my life is empty

and my heart is broken

my soul is lost

and my hope is gone

there's nothing left for me here

i'm just a shadow of a person

bereft of any real meaning or purpose

please help me

i'm so lost

and everything around me has grown dark and cold

my heart weighs heavily on my chest

i feel so alone,

the bitter irony of living and laughing in my own tears and pain,

the cruel joke of my very existence

it’s all so amusing, isn’t it?

isn’t it funny how i’m constantly torn between apathy, numbness, and an overwhelming, all consuming sadness,

i’ve become so accustomed to it,

contorted into somewhat of a comfort

a familiar, bittersweet comfort that stays with me forevermore,

nevertheless, nevertheless, any shred of happiness i scavenge will surely leave, that's the way it always goes!

isn't that amazing, how little worth i've got, none at all,

so punish me for all my sins, and me beyond any repair, make it so my body and face are unrecognizable, torn beyond any type of repair, love,

so strew my guts across the floor, and watch me crumble in a shattered cry,

glorious, glorious, can’t you see the beauty in making me suffer, love me, love me more,

bash my head and watch my brains drip onto the crimson-stained floor, love me, love me more-!!

how you love me so-

love me, love me more,

i cannot take this anymore

so just turn me inside out and ruin me beyond any repair,

i cannot keep living through this despair-

i cannot keep up with your demands,

my stomach churning and roiling with hate, hate for me, 

my body and my mind, impure and incompetent,

perhaps all i want is a friend,

perhaps all i want is love, but i am not enough to scale the difference between you and i, you, heaven incarnate, me, a pathetic excuse of a shell, a shell of a person with nothing more to share,

words rolling off the page as i fail, 

vomit at the sight of my face, and how I wish my vocal cords were severed,

and my ribs plucked away and set aside, 

the blood pooling out, 

and i am deprived of emotion and feeling, 

and the pinpricks of pain are grounding,

yet I am still crushed under my feelings of utter, complete, frivolous despair,

my intestines snake across my rotting body, 

my heart pulsating languidly, 

the room painted with a beautiful hue, 

one of passion and the feeling of being enraptured-,

by an encompassing love, 

the creak of the wooden panels as you stride across the floor, 

and lift my chin and force me to stare, 

at the hideous state I have abandoned myself in, 

and I gaze back at a mirrored version of my own hate,

my battered body lays limp in your arms, 

and i keep repeating this mantra of mine,

one of sorrow and reprieve, a reprise of a combustible gas and true hope,

swinging alone in the playground of life, holding the cards i have to play,

being delt with a harsh jab in the gut and keeling 

i pry my heart out of my chest and offer it to you

i laugh at my attempts, i lend you my mind,

and you took it and i felt like i had died

i had died from that moment of an

elongated pause 

and i chuckle at how hysterical life truly is

my poetry is a joke

and so am i 

so skip to the punchline

and leave me to die

all i want is for you to be proud

please just use me for once

so i can be of use and i can go curl up and cry

repeating the same words over and over

scrambling for the perfect place and the perfect word,

to assemble a poem to describe my life

a burden to carry, the chain you are forced to take,

the rock you trip over and skin your leg,

i just want to be

a perfect person

so laugh at me

before the bullet reaches

my delirious mind

so i'll handle you the gun,

and the bullets are loaded,

and i'll trust you with my life

while i laugh at my reflection

and you laugh at me too

the rattling noise

of the crack of dawn

resounds in my skull

and i watch myself

fall into the shimmery sand