Growing up scares me, but I wouldn't want to go back

It's 4:25 am, and I can't help but think of the next day. The next day will be better; I will get things done instead of dwelling on the past. I think about how when I turned 9 I cried because I feared I was growing too old, and how when I turned 14 I went to Great Wolf Lodge and requested the children's bunk bed room as a joke, because I now was too old to be considered a kid. I think about how when I turned 16 I felt behind in life because I didn't feel ready to drive, or hookup with boys, or other things I was "supposed" to feel ready for. I think about how when I turned 18 I still felt like a kid- and I still do at 19, and probably still will at 20, and maybe many years later. My life has felt like a constant pull back-and-forth between wanting to freeze time, and racing with time. I'm told that I am a late-bloomer for having minimal to no romantic experiences and not drinking much, but I'm told that I'm a whore if I show my stomach or wear a short skirt. I'm told I'm supposed to enjoy my youth for as long as possible, but my Instagram feed shows young adults getting married, having kids, and with high-profile careers. I'm not sure how to balance progression with enjoying the moment, but I know that it's not about freezing time, but progressing appropriately in the current moment. Eventually I did learn how to drive, and someday I'll learn what it feels like to love someone romantically, what It feels like to be high, what it's like to travel internationally, what it's like to have a career, and hopefully what it's like to get married, buy a house and have kids. But right now I like walking to the Starbucks on campus and getting something different everyday, FaceTiming my best friend back home, staying up late at night writing music in hopes that it will someday be published, and getting dressed up for nothing. Tomorrow I will get things done. Not because I shouldn't acknowledge the past, but because that girl is still in me, and wouldn't want to ever see me thinking that I'm not enough to be 19.