pressure

 oh boy do i have stuff to write abt today, haven't been able to wire for a while thanks to school starting (hint: that's what i'm gonna bitch about today). so yeah school's a thing now, started on tuesday and it was fine, honestly it was pretty good. besides the fact i got sexually assaulted on the bus but that's for another blog. today was just meh, ive never been a fan of zoom classes but a zoom class plus it being 6 hours was hell. and he made us go into groups for whatever reason which also was not fun.

 honestly thats not even the thing thats bothering me right now, its my own ability. why is it that i give up so quickly, nothing is easy, i know that very well, but i just have this tendency of giving up or being lazy when things get hard or just mildly inconveniencing. im worried that im not built for this, or im not strong enough. what if i fail, what if i go jobless. mr amir talked so much about how i NEED to go beyond just studying the materials. i need to actually be interested and passionate in this subject for me to succeed, and truthfully i cant say im passionate in it yet, and that worries me. i know this is just the worry in me speaking but wow is it really getting the best of me. 

 i get stressed so easily, i wish i was more level headed, more intelligent, more like a computer who  doesnt feel. i say that as someone who's outwardly criticized those type of people, but now that im thinking about it, it must be nice being so emotionless? everything is just a calculation to you, you never have to worry about the voices in your head, or other people's heads for that matter. 

i just feel pressured to do well i guess, like heck am i gonna slack off, i spent $40.000 to be here and you bet ur ass im gonna make the most of it. i do worry abt myself though. when  signed up for SRG i didnt think about myself, i just wanted to prove to myself that i could do it and that i was productive, that i was worth something. im the one giving myself pressure.