STTG - P4 - alot has happened... not really

well i sent her a text, telling her i want to tell her something, i want to do it in person. Unfortunately, ive made the leap right before she leaves to california for a week and a half. so right now she knows that i want to tell her something, she most definitely knows what im gonna say too, cause you dont just say something like that and it not be a confession of feelings

but ive been thinking and possibly making some realizations about myself 

well the other day i cried really hard, and have been feeling kinda jaded since, its like ive gone through the heartbreak before i even know the outcome of my confession. i dont even know if i want to say anything to her anymore. 

i don't like self-analysis therapy type shit cause I worry of giving myself placebo effects or becoming my own echo chamber or something like that 

but i worry that breaking my own heart like this and and other thoughts ive been having in my head if formed from a self instilled notion that i am incapable of being loved, maybe i feel like i cant be loved by another, 

how do i get it through that i can be loved 

even then i dont think sabrina really likes me like that, i dont know...

well ive already told her i need to tell her something so im still gonna swing for the fences, no matter how far, at least ill be able to say i gave it my all

this is what ive worked up so far

"i really like being around you

and talking to you

and i like making eye contact with you

its a problem i have with other people but i feel comfortable around you

and at the same time i feel horribly nervous around you

what im getting at is that i really like you and..."

im not too sure where to take it here

i do want to say something like 

"and as for rejection (i dont like the word rejection, but ill use it anyway) i recommend being blunt and direct about it cause i dont like the feeling of someone trying so spare my feelings ya know" 

i probably shouldn't say it causes it's like planning for failure but ive kinda been planning failure this whole time 

and god if i know what im gonna do if she reciprocates feelings

something else id like to add thats definitely been adding to the self-induced heartbreak is how fast she responds,  i sent her something two days ago and she still hasn't responded, if i want her to say something im gonna have to say something again, and this is something that happens consistently, she clearly doesn't see me as important, but to be fair why should i be important to her... right now at least who know what the future holds one way or the other

and of course if she says no i would still like to be her friend, im very capable of holding my feelings back if it means it doensn't put a strain on our friendship, 

thats the important thing that i can come out of this without putting a wedge in our friendship

really long post, but i have alot on my mind, ill update when the next advancement happens