RANT [oct 2023]

general (huge) trigger warning

i really don't know how to start this so i guess i'll just jump right to it. i feel so fucking insignificant. i feel like no one really cares whether i'm okay or not. i could've slit my wrists open in front of the whole school and no one would've done anything about it. in a sense i did, everyone knew i wasn't okay and yet no one ever went out of their way to help. people are so used to me being suicidal that they don't worry about me killing myself anymore because i've failed at it so many times before. people know i struggle with an ed but they don't give a fuck because i'm not that skinny, so they just let me starve and trigger me more into it.

i got diagnosed with bpd two months ago after i had a pseudochrisis (basically a seizure w emotional causes) and got put on three different antidepressants. it was like being told there's no hope for me and i'll feel like this forever until the day i kill myself. it also made me realize everything actually is my fault, because my brain just lives to sabotage itself. i can't change the fact that i'm unlovable no matter how many pills i take or how many scars i get. 

i hate everything about me. i hate my life and i hate how fat i am and i hate being trans and i hate not being able to socialize at all and i hate that no matter how hard i try it's never enough. i hate that i can't make up for the childhood i never had and now i'm just an unloved child stuck in a teen's body. i hate that my mother had to fuck me up like this. i hate not being able to forget all the times she punched me and kicked me and pulled my hair and told me i didn't deserve to be alive and i was selfish and ungrateful. i can't forget the time i ended up in the hospital and she said "what do you mean you're in the hospital? don't you know i'm busy at work?"

i just want to stop feeling this way, i want to be normal and i want to be skinny and i want to have friends and a romantic partner and a fucking mother. i wish this wasn't all i'll ever be. i just want someone to care. i want someone to make me believe i'm not worthless. i've felt like this my whole life and it's gotten way worse this year and i just feel like giving up.