An Unedited Rant About Friendships

I feel like a back up friend

I once said that it seems as if everyone in my life is/has only ever been friends with me for one of three reasons:

Compulsion, proximity, or pity

Never because they actually want to be my friends. We’re either only friends because we’re in the same class or the same club or the same church or the same dorm. Like these people would never want to hang out with me outside of that space. And I used to think that was how friendships were formed. Like I had to join every club in order to meet people so that I could actually have someone say hi to me in passing. Because no one ever just wanted to hang out with me. If I don’t reach out to people, I never do anything with anyone

My friend, my closest friend and I have gotten distant. We were roommates/suite mates these past two years. Shes the only one of my school friends who’s met my family and I’ve spent time at her house too. So I though we were close friends. She moved out of our dorm and I told her I was worried that we wouldn’t be friends when we weren’t living together and she assured me that wouldn’t be the case. But it feels like it is. She never hangs out with me anymore. I see her out and doing things with other people, coming to my dorm to do things with my roommates, picking them up. Ive never once gotten an invite. The only time I'm invited to things is when she texts the group chat about going out for drinks, and even then I think its more directed to the group than to me. I'm just never invited anymore and it really makes me feel like she was never really friends with me she was just being friendly to someone she lived with

Today, I was going to ask one of my suite mates to walk to the Chinese restaurant down the street to pick up my food with me (it was 9pm), but she wasn’t on campus. I bumped into my friend at my door and asked her if she would walk with me. She told me no because she was waiting on my other roommate to go get gas with her. I asked if she couldn’t still go with me before getting her gas and she said she didn’t want to.

I then texted my other roommate to ask if shed accompany me instead and she said to ask my friend to take me. I explained the situation and she decided to text my friend, asking why she wouldn’t take me (when I didn’t ask her to). She walked in moments later and told me she’d rather drive with my friend to the gas station than walk with me to pick up food

The other day I asked them both separately if they wanted to go to the gym with me and they both said no because they had been earlier. Later on I saw through snapchat that they went together

Im not mad that they’re hanging out, but I'm friends with both of them. I was never invited to any of them. Today she went with my first suite mate to go to a boba shop. Again, I was never invited. It really makes me feel unappreciated but also like I’m just not a part of the friend group ☹