october 3 2023 10:42pm

i havent wrote anything here in nearly a year. trying to reflect on what's been going on since december.. i turned 25 in april, i've changed jobs and been in my new position since april, i got into being healthy and losing weight for a couple of months actually - lost almost 10lbs before i slipped but i have a mini treadmill that i use when i have motivation. i met this guy in april and i wish i could sit down and go over everything with a stranger. there's songs i never thought i'd understand but i am still grateful for him even though he makes me feel lonely sometimes.. i moved into my own room! i had been sharing a room for like 8yrs or so, but i got to decorate my own space and be alone! the furniture is all black, decor of horror/goth icons, i can display my book and kpop album collection LOL. i slowed down on going out but i'm getting back to having fun. oh man i even got barricade for paramore! oh and i got my first tattoo! it just says paramore in the riot font lol i want a kuromi tattoo next. i cut my hair and getting more comfortable in my style. i went to jersey to see online friends and tbh the trip isnt what i expected but wow look at me venturing out.

i relapsed on self harm a month ago, i was good for like 2yrs. i was in a dark hole and my fingers were bleeding from clawing at the walls trying to escape. i just kept thinking about dying, but it wasn't me. i wasn't trying to think this, my mind just kept screaming. i dont know why im such a convenience until my emotions are an inconvenience. you know what someone told me? that i cant count on anyone, no one is going to be my life vest so stop crying about extending yourself out to others. but how can anyone say that to me if they benefit from it? i wanted to yell but the ice in my throat held down my voice - the kind of cold that it burns. i want someone to pick up the phone at 1am when i cant sleep. i want someone to think of me when out at a store and tell me how they remembered that i like this thing. i want someone to ask me to just eat with them. i want someone to hold my hand. i want someone to tell me how much they love me. i do this for others and im just told to stop expecting it? how is any of this fair. why is my brain wired wrong? why cant i be happy all the time? why do i want him to care if i go missing? i want him to like me when he's sober, im never going to be good enough. my ex made sure i will know this. he was there - my ex, at this event i went to. i think i might've left before he showed up but i remember the dreadful feeling in my chest of "what if" and my gut was right. i dont like people. i started smoking cigarettes again. i dont know who i am anymore. sometimes i look off to the side and things start to blur. im not there, wherever i am, anymore. im lost in my mind, even if its just a second. "what are you thinking?" how i wish i could tell you how empty you leave me when i know you probably couldnt be happier. i dont know what to expect from you. i know it should be nothing and im sorry for constantly being selfish. i just havent felt an instant connection with anyone since the last one but now i get it. i keep thinking if i pick up the broken pieces that god will be thankful but he scolds me everytime. "its broken. you cut yourself on the glass and you want me to reward you?" i wish i could talk to younger me. i would tell her to run and never look back. i would lock her in a tower and only bring her out for the good moments. i dont want her to suffer like i have. she would sit by her window, looking at the moon and hope for a shooting star to wish for love and happiness. the view hasnt changed but the curtains are closed and the moon doesnt look for me anymore.