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☆tuesday, oct 3, 2023☆
i'm done, i'm so fucking done 
what am i supposed to do with this anxiety? what am i supposed to do besides rotting in bed regreting every word i've said that day and sleeping in uniform and makeup?
i can't take it anymore, when i finally thought my life was made, i realized it's the fucking same. i'm met with rage but it doesn't come out in the form of blood anymore, what am i supposed to do? 
i decided to stop hiding the very clear scars in my arms and now it feels like everybody is judging me, their look is like a spear, going through my heart. i was used with it but in school? with people i see everyday? disgusting 
.
i repeat the same fucking thing everyday, when is it going to change? everything feels black and white and i'm just dissociating between the days, unable to get out of bed. i feel disgusting, my mom had to come to my room and remove my makeup, accessories and uniform because i was there since i came from the school and it was 11 pm. why am i so hard to love?
fuck my meds, there's no difference besides the side effects 
each day is getting darker and blacker and i'm afraid i'll lose my sight. i want to give all this love inside of me but it feels like it has thorns, i cannot do anything without overthinking it
i try so hard to love my body but it is so hard to even consider that i'm loveable
i want to fucking die so bad, it's so tempting, there's weight on my shoulder and heart that i've been carrying for such a long time, i want it all to go away. people are gossiping about me and amy and i fucking hate it, i saw someone taking a picture of me, a boy so fixated on my left arm, the girls gasping and looking at eachother as i pass by 
it's all a big blur
one day i'm gonna be an adult, i can't imagine it, next year i turn 15, then 16, 17, 18, 19 but will i continue to exist or are these just funny numbers?
i fucking hate myself, i hate everything that made me turn out this way, i hate being chalant i hate having depression
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