Ive become a shit writer

Ever since starting college I've come to realize I am a shit writer. 

I wrote a lot as a kid, I wrote a lot in high school, I got good grades in my literature classes and bad grades in math so writing was the thing I was good at, a skill I could depend on when I needed to be convincing. Truth is I didn't even like writing back when I felt like I was good at it, mostly because it would take me hours to feel like I had said the right thing. Structure, restructure, words have never come naturally, but I knew what I wanted them to do, so when I finally found the right flow there was this incredible sense of pride. 

Pride isn't worth the effort or the time. I figured that out in my last year of high school when I gave up and stopped writing at all. I took easy classes and passed them with the least effort possible. And even when I wasn't writing I believed I was still a good writer, because if anyone asked me to i could still write them something "smart enough". My college essay was a train wreck but I didn't care, reading it over it didn't even sound like me- so I didn't read it over too many times. 

I fucking hated representing myself. Not that I hated myself, not that I felt unworthy just that I already knew everything I was writing about. Proving my worth was the most boring thing I could think of doing. I wanted to talk about something new, something interesting happening at the moment because who cares what formed me? Who am I to say what made me in the first place?

Stories with open-ended endings aren't satisfying so I didn't get to write about anything new. I wrote about my home renovation and how it made me want to be an architect. Writing it made me uncomfortable. I felt like a liar, even when everything was true it was all so manipulative. I worried I was taking someone else's place.

I don't mind representing myself here because there's nothing to prove beyond being honest. I like the idea that there's no goal, no prize I'm competing for to better my future. If I can become a better writer honestly I will be very happy.

Starting college was exciting. I thought my work here would feel important, I thought passion and interest would motivate me to work harder but that hasn't really been the case. I've been fighting myself to get anything done, especially in classes I have to write for because at some point I lost the ability to put ideas into words. 

I feel like my filters clogged. Being a good writer isn't in the action, you can type quick or spell great and still have nothing to say. I think being a good writer is more in your head, you have to have these clear concepts, get out of the abstract and make decisions about what you believe. It's organized, you can still contradict yourself but you have to have a point in the first place. You have to have an opinion. 

Opinion is one of the most valuable things I can think of. What else connects us to the world like opinions? Without opinions, without some reaction to the physical things around us we would be completely passive. I want to experience the world in a meaningful way, I want to have interests that really pull me in, give me some drive to learn more about them. So much goes on and ill miss it if I don't have some capacity of attention. I know that's something I can build, so that's how I'm going to teach myself to write.