i was right, i absolutely forgot

i think i'll use this place as a thought box, i don't really have one of those currently.

i've been doing testing and sessions to figure out adhd, and the last forms / questionnaire long version i did was a few tens of points over the adhd mark. so we're pursuing it in any case. i am not sure i'll want medication since it's a stimulant and can cause worsening anxiety, which i don't want, but i think even if medication doesn't work, know why i am the way i am is important. however, this past weekend i did an experiment with a couple of friends with a fourth of the lowest concentration of adderall to see if there may be any issues being on a stimulant instead of the non-stimulants i've tried (of which did not work at all for me). 

this was during a dnd campaign, in a closed room that they rented in a game shop, and we had it for several hours comfortably. since we had a specific task in front of us, and there were a few new comers to dnd, it gave me several things to prioritize and focus on in varying levels of importance. my friend who was the dm had explained pretty much the same way i feel with my thoughts - i call it the beehive. it's pretty much that i have a bunch of thoughts buzzing away all at once, and i can't really figure out which thought i need to be on at the time- so i wrangle down like 5~6 bees (thoughts), and hopefully one of them is the right one.

he explained it that he is happily on the lowest dose of this medication to not fully shut up the bees in his head, but to effectively focus on which of the bees should be first in line, and then next, and then next. this way he can direct his thoughts where it should go rather than going on several unfinished tangents. he calls it the bee-cannon now, lol. he mentioned on higher doses (that they started him on and he did not like) made him feel like a zombie, in a fog. that was how i was on several other non-stimulant medications that i've tried with a psychiatrist, and i did not want to feel like that.

my friend said that we don't want to get rid of the bees, we want to just organize them, quiet them a little bit, and then weaponize them to our advantage. this is exactly how i felt on it. my husband was telling me i was acting a little different after a bit, but not bad different. i could wait, collect my thoughts, multitask but finish every task, and there was no anxiety. there was no physical symptoms of chest tightness for no reason, and it felt like i was able to handle everything without even thinking about it.

i am definitely going to pursue this, since i was afraid this would exacerbate my anxiety and constant physical symptoms. it didn't. my friend explained that the anxiety i feel that 'has no source' could simply be from the stress of having many tasks, being overwhelmed by it, and not knowing if you've finished the most important task. this is very similar to what my boss was telling me (who also has adhd). i just never put it together like this, that makes so much sense.

anyway, long post is long, i'm working on being better mentally y'all. woop