crushes

alright im finally getting around to get this stuff off my chest, and yes im aware this is a public vlog, yes ill still be treating it like a personal diary. thats the point of social media isnt it? and i digress. 

i think im cursed with love, im 18 yet ive never felt the touch of another man. i get that being queer means that certain experiences will come to me way later in life, but that doesnt mean i dont hope still. i overthink every interaction and i romanticize every situation because i long for something that ive never experienced. love could be hard as shit and i wouldnt care, its the idea that keeps me going. with this mindset you could probably imagine the situations that i brought onto myself. the good, the bad and the cringe. 

moving to sydney is funny, because my 2 ex-crushes also are here. one has been here for a while, and the other decided to copy my ass and go to sydney with me. last week i got the chance to hangout with both of them, i didnt think much of it as first, i was there mostly for the exploring aspect, but actually being there with both of them at the same time was way more taxing that id expected. 

when people say love ruin friendships, they really had a point. ive told myself multiple times, dont be awkward, dont be weird, you dont like them anymore, and i dont, but its still so uncomfortable. i find myself not letting go around them, i feel walls around me constantly. i still enjoyed the trip overall but them being there made me realize something. that i have in fact grown kinda, the fact that i dont like them anymore definitely means something, but mostly i just feel more grounded with myself, like i know what i want and i know to be realistic with myself.not that i wasnt realistic, ive always tried to be, but once romanticization starts happening, that lens of realism start to fog up. 

with crush #1 ur cool i appreciate u sm, i owe so much to u and i honestly dont think id be here without your kindness, sorry i was a cringe teenager who was delusional.  our friendship has always been underdeveloped, and maybe itll stay that way thanks to me, but i still think of you as someone who ill appreciate. and you are definitely a great person.

to crush #2, i kinda fucking hate you rn. okay overexxageration, but you have issues man. i dont know what is up with you but i hope you realize that sooner. i dont know how a human can be so selective as to when theyre nice to someone and be a complete dick the other times. its truly mind boggling, maybe he's bipolar or autistic. im autistic though, i dont treat people like that. i appreciated u at the time, and i still kinda do rn but i dont think we'll see each other much soon. you have been honestly cruel, thoughtless anc compassionless to me. thinking about you makes me sad and angry, because i find myself blaming myself, when i know its not my fault. i told you i was bi and you said it was fine, but that was a lie. you proceeded to dehumanize me in every way possible, treat me like shit when u want, and nice when its beneficial. you are someone i dont regret because i just want to leave you behind in the previous chapters of my life.