3 weeks away from home

 hi again, its my second entry here in this blog and wow wasn't that quick? xD. neways i thought i'd write about how ive been feeling lately, to organize my thought or something. 

 so its been like 3 weeks now since ive left my home country and 3 weeks total that ive been in sydney, gotta say its been an interesting 3 weeks. on one hand i feel like ive learnt and grown but on the other hand it feels like ive learnt nothing in a way. well i guess i should start off with the fact that i dont know where home is, when people say "home", esp international students, they usually refer to their country of origins or residence, but for me i find myself uncertain of using the term "home" since i guess home never felt like home to me. i thought that moving here i'd feel more like home for some reason, i guess i shouldnt feel surprised that it doesnt, or i guess i also kinda expected this, but ahhh i digress. the bottom line is, idk what home is for me, ive thought abt it long and hard, is it the location, is it the people or is it just however im feeling that day. with friends as home there was definitely a point where i thought ive found my people, but it turned out to be red herrings. they all left me in the end. 

 that brings me to another thing that has been heavy in my heart lately, the reason why i feel so unfazed by everything so far is probably because nothing changed. i may be in another country with new people, new environments etc but in its core, everything is still the same. im still me whos insecure and unhappy and overthinks, my friends are all busy and unavailable and have their own circles, meanwhile im by myself trying to convince myself that oh this is fine. i dont think its ever been okay for me, i like to think that ive come to peace with being deprioritized, but deep inside i dont think i ever accepted it. i went from one hell to another. hell might be too harsh of a description, but its definitely not heaven either. 

 ig to put this entry simply, im disappointed at my own expectations, i came here thinking maybe soemthing would change, but nothing did, maybe its still too early to finalize everything, ive only been here three weeks after all, hopefully something does