tw i am sad

       idk what it is. i want to find love. i want to love someone fearlessly. i want to feel completely and utterly devoted to a relationship and know that the other person feels the same way about me as i do about them. and i've tried. really fucking hard. i never half-ass a venture like that, no matter who it's with even if i know they're not a healthy person for me. and everyone when the good, healthy, light relationships don't work out, everyone is just as surprised as me. everyone expects me to be the girl who falls in love. the girl people fall in love with. and i want to be her so badly. i want to be that girl who gets fallen in love with but it feels like all i am is the girl who falls in love, loves super hard and gets played in the end or for some reason or another it just doesn't work out. and the killer is i can't bring myself to blame the other person, ever. no matter how dirty i know they did me, no matter how bad it got or how poorly they treated me, it's never their fault. they always have their reasons. and i try not to blame myself but it gets to a point where I have to wonder if it's me. if there's something fundamentally wrong with me or if my trauma is still affecting my relationships despite the years of therapy and meds and dedication i've put in to being better. and i am better. but am i good enough? will i ever be good enough for someone else to just love me? is it so much to ask to be loved when that's all i do is love people? i try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, a good lover but i just feel like i might not ever feel loved the same way i feel love for other people. and i get that that's probably normal, no one's me but me and i can't be anyone else but who i am but it's like fuck. when is it my turn? and this all sounds so selfish, i'm still so young and i've got my whole life ahead of me but i know what i want. i don't want to spend my twenties hopping from person to person. i want to settle down. i want a home with someone else. idk maybe it is me. maybe i just have to deal with this until it works itself out. maybe it won't ever work itself out. and maybe i need to learn to be ok with that. it's just so hard. i wanna be loved. i wanna love. why is this so hard?