Dear Alfie #1-20230929

Hello dead friend. 

There's still a chance you're alive. I haven't heard from you or seen any symptoms of life (ur steam from 2 months ago is the only exception) since April. I miss you and although i do hold onto hope that you're still living. I'll be proceeding with the assumption that you're dead.

_ _ _ 

Anyway. I recently started school. I have a boyfriend now.

I think I saved myself the pain of a sexualiszed childhood by removing myself from everyone. Now that I'm somewhat commited to societal integration, I've fallen into the trap. My career path includes being surrounded by many pretty women. I say this with strong admiration; many of them look like barbie and bratz dolls. Maybe I should join in, but I'd have to become a monster high doll. Currently I look like a dyke - which isn't bad but it's not what I want to achieve. It's a little hard to look pretty when I'm blind to my own face and body. My mind refuses to look at it. It's existence is completely forgotten. My body is foreign. I know the cure but I know no one would ever give it to me. Not in this current state. I have to change.

I want to work on my personality as well. I'm dissatisfied. How do I remain a self I can recognize while interacting with others? If society is a system how do I fit in into the miserable grinding of wheels. I'm not a fan of shackles. Yet how much is the optimal amount to give up when you need the benefit of others to do well. Not every misery is without it's benefits. ...

Maybe it's my fault. Because I know there is this option above me, I have to reach and grab it, drag myself through hoops and loops until the powers that be grant me graciously enough to exist. If they weren't an option maybe I could've just gotten a job and be done with it, I'm patient, I'm good with grinding. Is that why people chose ignorance for the bliss? As a method to cope with the humiliation and pain? What seperates humiliation from pain? That another person willingly caused it? No that's not humiliation all the time. Wikipedia had an interesting atricle on disgust. Maybe there's one for humiliation. Can you transmute humiliation into disgust? Thus distancing yourself from the source.

Do you ever think of how video games are a reflection of life? A demonstration of interpretation of a world. (Playing god.). 

I'm thankful for the existence of agnostics. In the religious mindset where do they fit? How do they function?

Existing is so humiliating once you think about it, if you want to go the positive route then it's bliss to experience this pleasure at all. Humiliation is really only a mindset. Yet our mindsets influence how others think of us and what others think of us impacts how others interact with us.

I think I'm a little too desperate to comform. Is floating in the distance, in the middle really the best most optimal position for me. I must become adaptable, it is hard to be that when every surrounding feels so unstable and volatile. I still have to heal from my past. It makes sense that I'm grabbing onto what might be stability. Do things ever get better? Well they become better but new problems replace the old. I think I despise myself for all my mistakes, even tho i didn't know any better, even the mistakes that I don't yet know are mistakes. I forgive myself. There's nothing to do about that anymore. Every second I am killing myself and replacing my self with a new entity. Living and learning is continuous. Loss scares me. Not physical loss, or msybe some of it. The ramifications of loss scare me.

I can't have conversations like these with my boyfriend it seems. Why? Is it the capacity and desire to ask questions like these, or an avoidance of such topics, or not wanting to cross contaminate certain relationship models. When it comes to our anniversaries he always counts from our official date but I count from when we first started doing stuff together. - I keep trying to have conversations like these with him, we'll see.

I've been trying to find people to confide in. You were my best confidant. I've been trying to find others but no success.

The autumn wind is cold. October sun is my favorite sun. Thd November fog is my favorite fog. There's still many months to go.

I may monologue but I do miss you. I have so much to say!!!

I should go now. I miss you. Please take care.

Good bye dead friend.