i woke up again (TW venting depression)

I woke up again today. yesterday was another day pissed away as always. I've wasted so much time. I feel like my life is already over and all I have is this rotting body to dress up and paint and look good so I can lay myself at the feet of someone I don't love and let them eat me alive for their pleasure. I don't want to eat anything so I can continue to keep looking this disgusting for their affection. the only appetite I have is for my own destruction the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I can make things so much worse because as nice as recovery sounds a part of me likes this and knows that I was born here to suffer as my mothers burden my fathers bastard my sisters sympathized pathetic brother and my family's mistake. I look disgusting its all so sad and funny